Blog Profile / The Onion


URL :http://www.theonion.com
Filed Under:Humor
Posts on Regator:6036
Posts / Week:11.8
Archived Since:April 2, 2008

Blog Post Archive

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

2 years agoHumor : The Onion

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked. Show More Summary

Universe Feels Zero Connection To Guy Tripping On Mushrooms

2 years agoHumor : The Onion

EUGENE, OR—Noting that it had yet to experience any sort of oneness with the 22-year-old, the universe confirmed Friday that it felt absolutely zero connection to a local man currently tripping on hallucinogenic mushrooms. “As far as...Show More Summary

Tiger Population Increases For First Time In 100 Years

2 years agoHumor : The Onion

The global wild tiger census has reached 3,890, the first increase in population in over 100 years and significantly higher than the last survey’s all-time low in 2010. What do you think?

Bernie Sanders Asks Anyone Who’s Serious About Breaking Up Big Banks To Meet Him On Corner Of Canal And Bowery At Midnight

2 years agoHumor : The Onion

NEW YORK—Inviting all those truly committed to economic equality, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders announced during Thursday night’s Democratic debate that anyone who’s serious about breaking up big banks should meet him on the corner of Canal and Bowery at midnight. Show More Summary

Hillary Clinton Clearly Tailoring Debate Answers To Unclaimed New York Superdelegate

2 years agoHumor : The Onion

NEW YORK—Repeatedly emphasizing how her proposed policies would benefit middle-aged fathers of three who work in the public sector, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton appeared to be tailoring each of her answers during Thursday night’s primary debate to a single unclaimed New York superdelegate, sources reported. Show More Summary

World’s Marine Life On Edge Now That SeaWorld Moving On From Orcas

2 years agoHumor : The Onion

PACIFIC OCEAN—Following the theme park’s pledge to phase out exhibits featuring the whale species and discontinue breeding them in captivity altogether, the world’s marine life told sources Thursday they were completely on edge now that SeaWorld is moving on from orcas. Show More Summary

How To Talk To Your Teen About Depression

2 years agoHumor : The Onion

Nearly one in five teens experiences depression, but parents can find it difficult to broach the subject. Here are The Onion’s tips for talking to your teen about depression: Begin your conversation with something as simple as an observation,...Show More Summary

Octopus Escapes New Zealand Aquarium

2 years agoHumor : The Onion

Inky the Octopus is believed to have escaped the national aquarium of New Zealand by opening the lid of his tank, slithering across the floor, then squeezing through a 5-inch-wide drainage pipe and out to sea. What do you think?

Passersby Stop To Stare At Man Leading Sad Life Through Open Apartment Window

2 years agoHumor : The Onion

CINCINNATI—Saying they could not stop staring despite the highly private nature of the scene that was unfolding, numerous passersby reportedly paused dead in their tracks Wednesday night upon catching sight of a man leading an incredibly sad life who was clearly visible through his unobstructed apartment window. Show More Summary

Zip Code Could Point To Life Expectancy

2 years agoHumor : The Onion

A recent study investigated income and mortality rates and found a nearly 15-year difference in life expectancy between the wealthiest and poorest Americans, with the longevity of those in poverty strongly correlated to what zip code they lived in. What do you think?

Hotel Lobby Treated To Entirety Of Child’s Song Catalogue During Check-In Process

2 years agoHumor : The Onion

FORT LAUDERDALE, FL—According to guests lined up at the front desk and seated at the nearby hotel bar, the entire Marriott Courtyard lobby was treated to every song in 4-year-old Emma Freeland’s catalogue Wednesday while her parents checked into their room. Show More Summary

Lakers Players Curious What It Must Be Like To Be Inspired By Kobe Bryant

2 years agoHumor : The Onion

LOS ANGELES—Amid a massive outpouring of acclaim from fans, fellow athletes, and media members ahead of his retirement, players on the Los Angeles Lakers admitted to reporters Thursday that they are kind of curious what it must be like to be inspired by Kobe Bryant. Show More Summary

Man Ready To Believe Any Statistic About How Good Warriors Were This Season

2 years agoHumor : The Onion

HAMPTON, VA—Explaining that the team’s regular-season dominance made him unlikely to question any accomplishment attributed to them, local 29-year-old Jared Dwyer told reporters Thursday that he is ready to believe absolutely any statistic about how good the Golden State Warriors were this year. Show More Summary

‘Textalyzer’ To Measure Distracted Driving

2 years agoHumor : The Onion

New York police could soon be equipped with “Textalyzers,” devices that scan drivers’ phones to detect whether they were texting, and thus driving with distraction, in the moments leading up to an auto accident. What do you think?

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

2 years agoHumor : The Onion

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported. Show More Summary

ExxonMobil CEO Relieved It Finally Too Late To Do Anything About Climate Change

2 years agoHumor : The Onion

IRVING, TX—Saying the multinational oil and gas conglomerate had “really dodged a bullet,” ExxonMobil CEO Rex Tillerson told reporters Wednesday how relieved he was now that it was finally too late to do anything about climate change. Show More Summary

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