Blog Profile / The Onion

Filed Under:Humor
Posts on Regator:4479
Posts / Week:11.7
Archived Since:April 2, 2008

Blog Post Archive

American Voices: U.S. Embassy Reopens In Cuba After 54 Years

last weekHumor : The Onion

The U.S. embassy in Havana reopened this morning for the first time since 1961, and the Cuban embassy began flying its flag once more in Washington, D.C., a formal demonstration of the countries’ restored diplomatic ties. What do you think?

Commentary: If You Want To Date My Daughter, You’re Going To Have To Date Me First

last weekHumor : The Onion

As a father, I’ve always been very protective of my daughter. She’s the center of my universe, and I would do just about anything for her. And that means making sure that she only spends time with boys who treat her the way that she deserves to be treated. Show More Summary

News in Brief: Word ‘Millennials’ Forced Into Headline To Boost Pageviews

last weekHumor : The Onion

CHICAGO—Seeking to maximize the potential reach of their latest post, sources confirmed Thursday that the editors of news website The Daily Blotter managed to force the word “millennials”into the article’s headline in order to boost pageviews. Show More Summary

News in Brief: Winchester Unveils New 9MM Stray Bullet Guaranteed To Hit Innocent Bystanders

last weekHumor : The Onion

NEW HAVEN, CT—Touting the product’s ability to veer dramatically from the barrel of a handgun with impeccable precision, Winchester Repeating Arms officials unveiled a new 9mm stray bullet Monday that the company vows will hit innocent bystanders. Show More Summary

News in Brief: Nephew Surprised By How Much Bigger Aunt Has Gotten Since Last Year

last weekHumor : The Onion

NEW ULM, MN—Admitting that he could hardly even recognize her, local 12-year-old Ethan Harrelson was reportedly surprised Monday by how much bigger his aunt Judy Stohl had gotten since the previous year. “Oh, my, look at you—you were just about half this size when I last saw you. Show More Summary

American Voices: Linguists Restore Pride In ‘Hillbilly’ Dialect

last weekHumor : The Onion

Seeking to eradicate stereotypes about Appalachian people and the way they talk, scholars and linguists are undergoing multiple projects to instill pride in those who speak the dialect, pointing to its particularities as strengths rather than weaknesses and reassuring those who feel pressured to adopt a non-regional accent. What do you think?

News in Brief: Anthropologists Unearth Possible Missing Link Between A- And B-List Celebrities

last weekHumor : The Onion

LOS ANGELES—In a groundbreaking discovery that could help shed light on the evolution of fame, anthropologists from UCLA announcedThursday that they had unearthed a potential missing link between A- and B-list celebrities. “Though such...Show More Summary

News in Brief: Black-Backed Jackals Seek Asylum In Wildlife Preserve As Preventative Measure

last weekHumor : The Onion

SKUKUZA, SOUTH AFRICA—Traveling hundreds of miles across the African continent in search of a safe haven, the world’s black-backed jackals began seeking asylum in Kruger National Park as a preventative measure, sources confirmed Friday. Show More Summary

American Voices: Google’s Self-Driving Car Linked To First Collision Injury

last weekHumor : The Onion

Minor injuries have been reported by test drivers after one of Google’s self-driving cars was rear-ended by another vehicle, leaving many to question the safety of autonomous vehicles, though Google reps say the accident demonstrates that distracted driving, not automation, is the biggest danger on the road. What do you think?

News in Brief: Man Sadly Realizes Cramped One-Bedroom Apartment Has Enough Space To Host Party With All His Friends

last weekHumor : The Onion

CHICAGO—Sighing as he scanned the room and performed a mental tally of everyone he would invite, local 26-year-old Andrew Bryer sadly realized that his cramped one-bedroom apartment has enough space to host a party with all of his friends, sources confirmed Friday. Show More Summary

News in Brief: Child’s Description Of Heaven During Near-Death Experience Specifically Mentions Book Deal

last weekHumor : The Onion

NEW YORK—Speaking for the first time since waking from a medically induced coma following a devastating car accident, 8-year-old Aiden Miller recounted an extremely vivid near-death experience Friday that reportedly contained detailed descriptions of heaven, angels, and a six-figure book deal. Show More Summary

Article: Home Run Ball Travels 3,000 Miles To Birthplace At Rawlings Factory

last weekHumor : The Onion

TURRIALBA, COSTA RICA—Gliding through the sky as part of a time-honored excursion occurring every season, a home run ball hit out of Seattle’s Safeco Field completed a roughly 3,000-mile journey Friday to return to its birthplace at the Rawlings factory, sources confirmed. Show More Summary

News in Brief: Fresca Quietly Takes Control Of 18-34 Demographic In Daring Overnight Raid

last weekHumor : The Onion

ATLANTA—In a bold and highly coordinated predawn raid that has taken the marketing world by surprise, soft-drink brand Fresca reportedly seized control of the strategically valuable 18-to-34-year-old demographic early Tuesday. “At 0115...Show More Summary

Sportsgraphic: Biggest Moves In NBA Free Agency

last weekHumor : The Onion

With numerous star players inking max contracts over the past two weeks, the first month of NBA free agency has already shaken up rosters across the league. Onion Sports examines the biggest free agent signings so far. Kevin Love: Signed...Show More Summary

American Voices: Former Auschwitz Guard Sentenced To 4 Years In Prison

last weekHumor : The Onion

Oskar Groening, a 94-year-old man known as the Accountant of Auschwitz due to his role in making the concentration camp profitable, was sentenced to four years in prison this week for his role in the deaths of 300,000 Hungarian Jews, a crime for which Groening apologized in court in a manner many felt to be insincere. What do you think?

American Voices: World’s Oldest Sperm Discovered

last weekHumor : The Onion

While on an Antarctic search for evidence of small mammal bones, researchers inadvertently discovered the oldest animal sperm on record, a 50-million-year-old worm sperm inside a fossilized cocoon, though the sperm was broken into fragments and will be unable to shed light on the anatomy of the worm species. What do you think?

News in Brief: Report: Murderer Who Escaped In 1996 Remains Most Successful Case Of Prisoner Reintegration

last weekHumor : The Onion

ROSEBURG, WA—Noting that the fugitive has surpassed all expectations for former inmates, sources confirmed Thursday that local convicted murderer Corey Morris, who escaped from the Idaho State Correctional Center in 1996, remains the nation’s most successful case of prisoner reintegration. Show More Summary

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