Blog Profile / The Onion

Filed Under:Humor
Posts on Regator:6036
Posts / Week:14.3
Archived Since:April 2, 2008

Blog Post Archive

How Coastal Cities Are Preparing For Climate Change

4 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

With experts predicting that the effects of global warming could be catastrophic in the next 50 years, here are some ways that coastal cities are addressing the challenges of rising sea levels: Bar Harbor, ME: Officials urging residents...Show More Summary

Mom Apologizing For Going Through Menopause

4 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

LUTSEN, MN—According to witnesses, local mother Deborah Miller, 49, apologized to her family profusely Monday for going through the natural biological process of menopause. “Gosh, I am so sorry—I know it’s cold in here, but I’m having...Show More Summary

Tech Company Develops Chewable Coffee

4 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

San Francisco tech company Nootrobox has developed a product called Go Cubes, a chewable tablet made of cold brew coffee containing 50 milligrams of caffeine. What do you think?

You Don’t Get To Be As Old As I Am Without Knowing A Few Things About Basic Shapes And Colors

4 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

I’ve seen it all in my time. Been a lot of places, done a lot of things. Had my share of scrapes here and there, too. Those experiences taught me so much more than I ever could have imagined and shaped me into who I am today, the kind of person who just knows right away what’s red, what’s orange, that circles are round—all that stuff. Show More Summary

Tips For Male Bonding

4 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

Show them you care. Always maintain steady, intimate eye contact while bumping chests. To get any new buddies up to speed, compile a PowerPoint presentation of consensus choices for famous actresses you and the guys would most like to...Show More Summary

Frustrated UNC Student Too Busy Studying For Players’ Tests To Watch Title Game

4 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Lamenting that he won’t be able to watch the highly anticipated game with his friends, University of North Carolina junior Aaron Wright expressed his frustration Monday that he will be too busy studying for players’ tests to watch the Tar Heels play Villanova for the NCAA National Championship. Show More Summary

Panama Papers Reveal Widespread Tax Evasion

4 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

Over 11.5 million leaked files dubbed the “Panama Papers” reveal that the world’s wealthy elites are hiding money in offshore accounts to evade taxation, a leak that implicates the prime minister of Iceland, the president of Ukraine, and Vladimir Putin, among others. What do you think?

Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul Liquid

4 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

ALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op. Show More Summary

What You Need To Know About The Women’s Soccer Equal Pay Controversy

4 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

Members of the U.S. women’s national soccer team recently filed a formal complaint accusing the U.S. Soccer Federation of gender-based wage discrimination. Here’s what you need to know. Q: Do players on the U.S. men’s and women’s national...Show More Summary

Man Prowling At Airport Gate Ready To Pounce Like Jungle Cat At First Sign Of Boarding

4 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

SAN FRANCISCO—Slinking stealthily as he scanned the departure desk for any sudden movement, local man Aaron Smith reportedly prowled San Francisco International Airport’s gate 33 Friday like a jungle cat ready to pounce at the first sign of a boarding announcement. Show More Summary

Report Finds Average American Wastes 77 Years Of Their Life Not Listening To Steve Winwood’s ‘The Finer Things’

4 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

BOSTON—According to a report released Monday by the sociology department at Tufts University, the average American completely wastes 77 years of his or her life not listening to the adult contemporary soft-rock classic “The Finer Things” by Steve Winwood. Show More Summary

God Admits He Way Less Strict With Last Few Billion Children

4 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

THE HEAVENS—Saying He was a very rigid and domineering Father in the years immediately following the Creation of Man, the Lord God Almighty admitted Monday He has been far less strict with His last few billion children. “I was kind of...Show More Summary

New Method Accurately Measures THC In Edibles

4 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

Though the labeling on cannabis chocolates, gummies, and other edible items is currently inconsistent and unregulated, a new technique provides accurate measurements of the cannabis within these newly legal products. What do you thi...

Study: Arachnophobia Causes Spiders To Look Bigger

last monthHumor : The Onion

It’s been found that the brains of those who suffer from arachnophobia could be perceiving the spiders as much larger than they actually are. What do you think?

‘The Time To Act Is Now,’ Says Yellowing Climate Change Report Sitting In University Archive

last monthHumor : The Onion

BERKELEY, CA—Warning society that it has reached a crucial tipping point from which it may never be able to recover, a brittle, yellowing report sitting in the archives of the University of California’s Bioscience & Natural Resources...Show More Summary

How A Contested Convention Would Work

last monthHumor : The Onion

With the Republican Party potentially headed to its convention without a clear-cut presidential nominee, The Onion answers common questions about how a contested convention would work. Q: What is a contested convention? A: A way to ensure the voice of the people is heard and then checked for any obvious mistakes. Show More Summary

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