Blog Profile / The Onion

Filed Under:Humor
Posts on Regator:3927
Posts / Week:10.7
Archived Since:April 2, 2008

Blog Post Archive

American Voices: Report: NFL Hires First Female Referee

last weekHumor : The Onion

According to a report in the Baltimore Sun, the NFL has moved to hire its first full-time regular season female referee, a former college-level official named Sarah Thomas.

U.S. Encouraging Cuba To Shift Toward Democratic System Of Corruption

last weekHumor : The Onion

WASHINGTON—As part of the White House’s effort to mend 50 years of acrimonious U.S.-Cuba relations, members of the Obama administration called on the island nation this week to adopt a more democratic form of corruption.

Infographic: Who Is Marco Rubio?

last weekHumor : The Onion

Following similar announcements by Ted Cruz and Rand Paul, Senator Marco Rubio (R-FL) has become the third GOP candidate to declare his bid in the 2016 presidential race.

Umpire Says He Was On LSD When He Called No-Hitter

last weekHumor : The Onion

NEW YORK—Saying that he only vaguely remembers the historic game, former MLB umpire Jim Quick admitted Monday to calling a no-hitter during a 1980 matchup between the Los Angeles Dodgers and San Francisco Giants while high on the hallucinogenic drug...

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

last weekHumor : The Onion

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Hillary Clinton To Nation: ‘Do Not Fuck This Up For Me’

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

WASHINGTON—After several seconds spent sitting motionless and glaring directly into the camera, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reportedly began Sunday’s video announcing her 2016 presidential bid by warning the nation not to fuck th...

American Voices: 7-Eleven Launches ‘Bring Your Own Cup’ Slurpee Day

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

As part of a new marketing campaign, 7-Eleven has announced that on Saturday, it will allow customers to pay $1.49 and fill up any container they bring into the store with a Slurpee as long as the container can fit through a 10-inch hole and meet other re...

Infographic: Candidate Profile: Hillary Clinton

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is expected to officially announce her candidacy for the 2016 presidential election on Sunday, putting an end to months of speculation about her plans.

Obama Fantasizes About Ordering Drone Strike Against Self On Last Day Of Presidency

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

WASHINGTON—Staring off into the middle distance as he sat behind the Resolute desk in the Oval Office this afternoon, President Obama is said to have spent several minutes fantasizing about ordering one last drone strike against himself on the final...

Study: Best Method Of Finding Job Still Excitedly Circling Newspaper Listing In Red Marker

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

WASHINGTON—Following a decade-long study of economic trends and employment rates, a report issued Friday by the Bureau of Labor Statistics determined that excitedly circling a newspaper listing with a red marker remains the single most effective way...

Magazine: Could This Rare Species Of Frog Hold The Key To Making Cancer Far Worse?

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

Could This Rare Species Of Frog Hold The Key To Making Cancer Far Worse?

American Voices: Obama Supports Banning Gay ‘Conversion’ Therapies For Minors

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

Inspired to act in part by the suicide of transgender teen Leelah Alcorn, President Obama gave his support to banning practitioners of gay “conversion” or “reparative” therapy from performing it on minors.

Man Reluctantly Deletes Video Of Friend Trying To Vault Mailbox To Clear Data Space For Child’s Birth

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

SANTA FE, NM—Sadly conceding that there ultimately wasn’t enough room for both on his smartphone, local man Brad Jacobsen made the difficult decision Thursday to delete video of his friend attempting to jump over a USPS mailbox in order to cle...

Gay Conversion Therapists Claim Most Patients Fully Straight By The Time They Commit Suicide

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

MINFORD, OH—Boasting that they have cured hundreds of teens and young adults over the years, gay conversion therapists from the Redeeming Path Treatment Center told reporters Thursday that most of their patients are completely straight by the time t...

Infographic: The Pros And Cons Of Body Cameras For Police

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

Following several high-profile civilian deaths at the hands of police officers, many Americans have called for the mandatory use of body cameras by law enforcement as a means of curbing the excessive use of force and providing clear accounts of officer...

Phillies Concession Stand Offering Plastic Helmets For Fans To Vomit In

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

PHILADELPHIA—Calling it a fun new way to enhance the game-day experience, the Philadelphia Phillies announced Thursday that concession stands at Citizens Bank Park will now sell plastic helmets for fans to vomit in.

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