Blog Profile / The Onion

Filed Under:Humor
Posts on Regator:9757
Posts / Week:27
Archived Since:April 2, 2008

Blog Post Archive

Jameis Winston Doesn’t Rule Out Playing Baseball In Prison

6 days agoHumor : The Onion

TAMPA, FL—Speaking to reporters Tuesday about potentially continuing as a two-sport athlete after college, Florida State quarterback Jameis Winston refused to rule out the possibility of someday playing baseball in prison.

American Voices: Study: Gerbils Were Actual Cause Of Black Plague

6 days agoHumor : The Onion

Challenging the widespread belief that the Black Plague of medieval Europe was spread by rats covered in disease-carrying fleas, a new study has found that the outbreak was more likely caused by flea-ridden gerbils.

Raytheon CEO Sends Obama Another Article About Mounting Unrest In Libya

last weekHumor : The Onion

WALTHAM, MA—Using the subject heading “you should definitely check this out,” Thomas A.

76ers Afraid To Kick Bunch Of Tough-Looking Guys Off Practice Court

last weekHumor : The Onion

PHILADELPHIA—Explaining that the men currently engaged in the four-on-four pickup game are “really big” and “seem kind of mean,” players on the Philadelphia 76ers were reportedly hesitant Friday to kick a group of tough-looki...

American Voices: Starbucks To End CD Sales

last weekHumor : The Onion

Starbucks announced this week that after 15 years of selling CDs from popular artists in stores, the company will stop stocking them and by March will only sell digital albums on its website.

College Freshman From Florida Has Never Seen People Complain About Snow For 5 Months Before

last weekHumor : The Onion

ITHACA, NY—Marveling at how different winter is in the Northeast compared to her hometown in Florida, Ithaca College freshman Emilie Sherman told reporters Tuesday that this was the very first time she had ever seen people complain about snow for fi...

Death Row Inmate Dies Of Natural Causes 3 Days Into Execution

last weekHumor : The Onion

MCALESTER, OK—Calling it an “unfortunate incident,” Oklahoma Department of Corrections officials confirmed that convicted murderer and death row inmate Harrison Garber, 57, died of natural causes three days into his lethal injection Tues...

Your Horoscopes — Week Of February 24, 2015

last weekHumor : The Onion

This is a time of great uncertainty for you, but that doesn't mean the odds of drawing to an inside straight will improve at all.

Mom Could Have Used Few More Days To Self Before Missing Daughter Returned

last weekHumor : The Onion

BEDFORD, VA—Admitting she had not had any real alone time in years, local mother Terri Pope told reporters Tuesday that she could have used a few more days to herself before being reunited with her missing daughter, Allison.

Magazine: Is This Ivy League Dropout And Tech Entrepreneur The Current Mark Zuckerberg?

last weekHumor : The Onion

Is This Ivy League Dropout And Tech Entrepreneur The Current Mark Zuckerberg?...

American Voices: Walmart Raising Wages

last weekHumor : The Onion

Amid pressure from labor groups to provide its workforce with a better living wage, Walmart has announced that it will pay all workers at least $9 per hour beginning this April, a decision that will cost $1 billion and affect 500,000 employees, with the c...

‘You Are Not Your Job,’ Obama Reminds Himself Throughout Shower

last weekHumor : The Onion

WASHINGTON—Muttering softly under his breath as he leaned his head against the tiled bathroom wall, President Barack Obama repeatedly reminded himself that he was not his job over the course of a 15-minute shower Friday morning, White House sources...

Hollywood's Biggest Stars Endure Long Lines At Oscars Security Screening

last weekHumor : The Onion

Hollywood's Biggest Stars Endure Long Lines At Oscars Security Screening...

American Voices: Experts: Eggs No Longer Considered Health Risk

last weekHumor : The Onion

Though government officials have warned Americans for years about the high cholesterol content found in eggs, a U.S....

Bellicose Contingent Of Seventh-Graders Want To Play Tackle

last weekHumor : The Onion

WEST ALLIS, WI—Forcefully asserting that two-hand touch football is “for girls,” reports out of Greenfield Park confirmed Monday that a small but aggressive faction of seventh-graders are staunchly in favor of playing tackle.

Person Who Clearly Hasn’t Seen ‘The Fifth Element’ Arguing There No Good Roles For Women

last weekHumor : The Onion

HOUSTON—Revealing her total ignorance of the 1997 science-fiction classic, local resident Erin Marshall, a corporate consultant who has clearly never seen the film The Fifth Element, reportedly complained Monday about Hollywood’s lack o...

Busy Woman Keeps Best-Dressed Oscar Slideshow Tab Open To Be Savored As Sumptuous Feast At Her Leisure

last weekHumor : The Onion

GALVESTON, TX—Saying that the red carpet fashions were too luscious to be consumed in a hurry, 32-year-old marketing manager Gabrielle Lauriston reportedly kept the Vanity Fair “Oscars Best-Dressed” slideshow tab open Monday to be.....

American Voices: Joan Rivers Excluded From Oscars ‘In Memoriam’ Segment

last weekHumor : The Onion

Fans of late comedian and actor Joan Rivers blasted Academy Awards producers last night after they excluded Rivers, who made appearances in dozens of films over her decades-long career as well as covered the Oscars red carpet, from the show’s...

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