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Blog Profile / The Onion

Filed Under:Entertainment / Humor
Posts on Regator:9680
Posts / Week:27.2
Archived Since:April 2, 2008

Blog Post Archive

Magazine: That One Kid In High School Who Had A Hearing Aid: We Check And See How Bad His Hearing Is Now

That One Kid In High School Who Had A Hearing Aid: We Check And See How Bad His Hearing Is Now

Alien Still Hasn't Gotten Around To Listening To Whole Voyager Golden Record

47 U. MAJORIS STAR SYSTEM—Roughly 18 months after discovering the collection of common Earth sounds contained on the golden record placed aboard the Voyager probe NASA launched in 1977, extraterrestrial Richard Ellinger, 237, admitted Friday...

American Voices: New DVR Can Skip Ads

A new DVR sold by the Dish Network comes with the capability to pass over ads and is sending shockwaves through the television industry.

Heat Lose Chris Bosh Indefinitely To Severe Poetic Justice

MIAMI—After straining his abdominal muscles, Miami power forward Chris Bosh will be out indefinitely in what appears to be a severe case of poetic justice for his arrogant and presumptive team, sources close to the Heat confirmed Tuesday. An MRI per...

New Vikings Stadium's Retractable Base Moves Structure To Los Angeles As Needed

New Vikings Stadium's Retractable Base Moves Structure To Los Angeles As Needed

Bears Claim They'd Want Brandon Marshall On Their Side In Bar Fight With Woman

CHICAGO—Defending their newly acquired wideout Brandon Marshall, multiple members of the Chicago Bears organization came forward this week claiming they would want him on their side in a barroom brawl with a woman.

WEDDINGS: Kristen Anderson and James Greene

Kristen Anderson and James Greene, both of Austin, TX, were married Friday at the city's newest wedding truck.

Infographic: Evolution Of Obama's Gay Marriage Stance

Last week, President Obama announced he is now in favor of gay marriage and said his stance had evolved over the past two years. Here are some of the evolutionary stages of Obama's opinion: Nov. 30, 2008:

Republicans Stalling Obama's Agenda By Speaking, Moving In Slow Motion

Democrats charge that Republican members of Congress are preventing the passage of the bills by moving very slowly.

Cop Grudgingly Admits Suspect Is The Best Goddamn Pedophile He's Seen In 30 Years On The Force

LOS ANGELES—Veteran LAPD detective James Russo, 49, reluctantly admitted to reporters Thursday that the pedophile he is currently on the trail of is the best he's seen in his 30 years on the force.

American Voices: Nonwhite Babies Pass White Babies In United States

For the first time in U.S. history, the number of minority babies outstripped the number of white babies.

American Voices: Bush Endorses Romney

Following a speech in Washington, former president George W. Bush offered an impromptu endorsement of candidate Mitt Romney to reporters.

Report: Caucasians Will Soon Be A Minority In Their Own Goddamn Country

PIKEVILLE, TN—According to Hormel-plant breakroom sources, if the Puerto Ricans and the Mexicans and the Orientals and the blacks don't stop having all those babies, whites will be a minority in their own goddamn country as early as 2010.

Secretary Of Transportation Flips Out On Pothole In Baltimore

BALTIMORE—Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood went off on a 22-centimeter-wide, 8-centimeter-deep pothole Wednesday, calling it a "goddamn disgrace" and a "real piece of work that's out to make [him] look like a fool."...

Letters To The Editor: Nailing Hawkeye

Dear The Onion, Your review of The Avengers movie is completely off base. Jeremy Renner totally nailed Hawkeye. Jeff Hauser, Hermiston, O

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