Blog Profile / The Onion

Filed Under:Humor
Posts on Regator:4771
Posts / Week:12.4
Archived Since:April 2, 2008

Blog Post Archive

News in Brief: New Pre-Sauced Napkins Can Be Thrown Away Straight From Package

last weekHumor : The Onion

CINCINNATI—Describing it as a major time-saver over traditional napkins, Procter & Gamble announced Thursday the release of its new Bounty pre-sauced napkins, which have been expressly designed to be removed from the package and immediately thrown into the trash. Show More Summary

News: New SeaWorld Show Just Elephant Drowning In Large Tank Of Water With No Explanation

last weekHumor : The Onion

ORLANDO, FL—Noting that the show had simply appeared on the park’s schedule last week without an announcement or fanfare of any kind, visitors to SeaWorld told reporters Thursday that the theme park’s latest attraction consists solely of an elephant drowning in a large tank of water with no explanation. Show More Summary

Video: Onion Explains: The Terrifying Growth Of ISIS

last weekHumor : The Onion

What motivates the brutal terrorist group to commit its atrocities and how does it use technology to spread fear worldwide? The Onion explains the horrifying spread of ISIS.

American Voices: Government Agencies Soliciting Yelp Reviews

last weekHumor : The Onion

The U.S. government’s General Services Administration has begun working with the review website Yelp to create official pages for various government agencies where consumers can give feedback to places such as the TSA, post offices, and courthouses. What do you think?

News in Brief: Underworld Health Organization Launches Initiative To Improve Incubus Immortality Rate

last weekHumor : The Onion

THE SECOND CIRCLE, HELL—Affirming the need to reverse the trend after several millennia of discouraging numbers, officials from the Underworld Health Organization unveiled a new initiative Thursday to improve Hades’ incubus immortality rate. Show More Summary

Sports News in Brief: Redskins Maintain They Were Legally Granted Right To Name By 1807 Treaty Of Blackwater Creek

last weekHumor : The Onion

WASHINGTON—Responding to widespread criticism from an increasing majority of Americans who find the team’s moniker offensive, Washington Redskins officials announced Wednesday that they were legally granted the right to use the name by the 1807 Treaty of Blackwater Creek. Show More Summary

American Voices: Subway’s Jared Will Allegedly Plead Guilty To Child Porn

last weekHumor : The Onion

Longtime Subway spokesman Jared Fogle will reportedly plead guilty to criminal charges related to the possession of child pornography, a development linked to a July 7 raid of Fogle’s home. What do you think?

News in Brief: Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

last weekHumor : The Onion

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday. Show More Summary

News: Climate Change Deniers Present Graphic Description Of What Earth Must Look Like For Them To Believe

last weekHumor : The Onion

WASHINGTON—Evoking cataclysmic scenes of extreme weather and widespread drought and famine, the nation’s climate change deniers held a press conference Wednesday to describe exactly what the Earth must look like before they will begin to believe in human-induced global warming. Show More Summary

Infographic: Why Westerners Join ISIS

last weekHumor : The Onion

With more than 150 Americans accused of attempting to fight alongside ISIS in Syria and countless young Europeans allegedly joining or supporting the terrorist group, many are left wondering what a population of extremists has to offer Westerners a world away. Show More Summary

American Voices: New ‘Drinkable Book’ Could Provide Millions With Clean Water

last weekHumor : The Onion

The “drinkable book,” a new filtration system with individual pages that can be torn out to purify containers of water, has completed its first round of field testing and could benefit many of the 700 million people worldwide who lack access to potable water. What do you think?

News in Brief: Man Doing Karaoke Clearly Sings This One Every Time

last weekHumor : The Onion

TAMPA, FL—Shaking their heads as he confidently eschewed the large binder of songs and recited his chosen track number by heart, patrons at karaoke bar Luna’s told reporters today that local man Steven Croucher obviously sings Fleetwood Mac’s “Little Lies” every single time he’s there. Show More Summary

News in Brief: Cocaine Dealer Most Upstanding Guy Wall Street Broker Knows

last weekHumor : The Onion

NEW YORK—Highlighting the man’s trustworthiness, even temperament, and overall decency, Wall Street broker Simon Hansen revealed to reporters Monday that his cocaine dealer, Tim Arndt, is easily the most upstanding person he knows. “Tim’s...Show More Summary

News in Brief: Americans Outraged Amazon’s Punishing Work Culture Has Yet To Yield Same-Day Shipping For All Products

last weekHumor : The Onion

WASHINGTON—After revelations emerged regarding the online retailer’s cutthroat office environment, Americans across the nation expressed outrage Wednesday that Amazon’s punishing workplace culture had yet to result in same-day shipping for every single available product. Show More Summary

American Voices: Amazon Exposé Alleges Mistreatment Of Workers

last weekHumor : The Onion

The New York Times’ recent exposé on Amazon’s treatment of its workforce has caused public outcry, though the online retail giant’s CEO, Jeff Bezos, has denied the allegations, saying that if such accusations were true, employees would be “crazy to stay.” What do you think?

Graphic: Obama’s Post-Presidency Plans

last weekHumor : The Onion

With his two-term presidency drawing to a close, Barack Obama has been meeting with several high-profile public figures to determine the trajectory of his post–White House legacy. Here are some of the proposed plans: One nice, long drag...Show More Summary

News in Brief: Jeff Bezos Assures Amazon Employees That HR Working 100 Hours A Week To Address Their Complaints

last weekHumor : The Onion

SEATTLE—In response to accusations of an abusive workplace environment, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos assured employees Tuesday that the company’s human resources staff was working 100 hours a week to address their complaints. “I’ve heard your...Show More Summary

News in Brief: Report: Distracted Driving Results In More Than 5,000 Unfinished Texts Each Year

last weekHumor : The Onion

WASHINGTON—Describing the findings as “deeply troubling,” the U.S. Department of Transportation released a report Tuesday revealing that the growing epidemic of distracted driving is responsible for more than 5,000 unfinished text messages a year. Show More Summary

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