Blog Profile / The Onion

Filed Under:Humor
Posts on Regator:4386
Posts / Week:11.6
Archived Since:April 2, 2008

Blog Post Archive

News: Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday. Show More Summary

Infographic: Candidate Profile: Donald Trump

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

Billionaire real estate mogul and television personality Donald Trump announced Tuesday plans to run in the 2016 presidential election, marking the first time he will formally seek the Republican nomination after floating the idea in several previous election cycles. Show More Summary

News in Brief: Police Headquarters Completes New Addition To Accommodate Officers On Desk Duty For Misconduct

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

CHICAGO—In an effort to expand its congested facilities to better meet the department’s staffing needs, the Chicago Police Department announced Tuesday the construction of a new addition to its headquarters that will allow it to accommodate officers who have been placed on desk duty due to allegations of misconduct. Show More Summary

American Voices: Study: Dogs Can Tell When People Are Nice To Their Owners

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

A new study has found that because dogs have evolved to cooperate socially in society, they are able to detect when someone is mean to their owner and will act less friendly toward that person in return. What do you think?

News in Brief: Study Finds Girls Go Through Manga Phase Earlier Than Boys

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

WASHINGTON—Shedding new light on the adolescent development process, a study published Tuesday by researchers at Georgetown University has found that girls go through their manga phase earlier than boys. “As our research team analyzed...Show More Summary

News: Dementia Study Reveals Fond Memories First To Go

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

BALTIMORE—Researchers at Johns Hopkins University published a new study this week on the cognitive effects of Alzheimer’s disease and other deteriorative brain disorders, finding conclusive evidence that dementia sufferers’ fondest memories are nearly always the first to go. Show More Summary

Commentary: One Time I Punched A Goose Right Out Of The Air

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

I’ve spent my whole adult life promoting species diversity and protecting birds. In my current capacity as president and CEO of the Audubon Society, I work tirelessly to raise awareness of the habitat destruction that threatens these incredible, beautiful creatures. Show More Summary

American Voices: Pope Francis Calls On Catholics To Pay Attention To The Environment

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

Days before he is expected to send out an official encyclical letter on the issue, Pope Francis called on the world’s 1.2 billion Catholics to pay attention to environmental issues and act as “stewards of creation.” What do you thin...

News in Brief: Beefy Little Boy On Boogie Board Misses Fourth Wave In A Row

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

GARDEN CITY, SC—Struggling to propel his husky frame through the water with the correct momentum and timing needed to be carried toward shore, a beefy little boy on a boogie board at Garden City Beach reportedly missed his fourth wave in a row Monday afternoon. Show More Summary

Sports News in Brief: Sexist Pig Has No Idea When Team USA Playing Nigeria

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

NORTHFORD, CT—Revealing just how old-fashioned and small-minded he truly is, local sexist pig Jonathan Scott admitted Monday he has no idea what time the U.S. women’s soccer team plays Nigeria tomorrow night, sources reported. “Is the...Show More Summary

Infographic: Candidate Profile: Jeb Bush

3 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

Former Florida governor Jeb Bush announced his candidacy Monday for the Republican nomination in the 2016 presidential election, putting one of the early frontrunners in the polls officially into the race. Here are some key facts toShow More Summary

News in Brief: North Korean Military Developing Parade Capable Of Traveling 5,000 Miles

3 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

ARLINGTON, VA—Drawing on satellite data and foreign intelligence reports, Pentagon officials confirmed Monday that North Korea was in the late stages of developing a military parade with an operational range of 5,000 miles. “With its...Show More Summary

American Voices: Fox News Holding Second Primary Debate For Less Popular GOP Candidates

3 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

Fox News originally planned to limit its August Republican primary debate to 10 candidates, but then decided to add a second 90-minute televised forum in Cleveland for all the other candidates who failed to qualify. What do you thin...

News in Brief: Department Of Interior Sets Aside 50,000 Acres Of Federal Land For Anonymous Sexual Encounters

3 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

WASHINGTON—Replacing the patchwork of empty fields, municipal parks, and wooded roadside areas throughout the country where Americans currently engage in such recreational activity, the U.S. Department of the Interior announced Friday that it had set aside 50,000 acres of federal land for anonymous sexual encounters. Show More Summary

News in Brief: Coworker Who Just Threw Fit And Stormed Out Of Room Looked Like Total Badass

3 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

HARTFORD, CT—Noting that they had never seen such a bold and impressive show of dominance, Burkart Industries employees confirmed Monday that account analyst Ken Perlis just looked like a total badass when he threw a fit and stormed out of the room during a meeting. Show More Summary

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