Blog Profile / The Onion

Filed Under:Humor
Posts on Regator:5662
Posts / Week:13.8
Archived Since:April 2, 2008

Blog Post Archive

American Voices: East Coast Braces For Blizzard

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

Thousands of flights have been canceled and several government agencies have shuttered in anticipation of a massive snowstorm making its way to the East Coast, a blizzard that could affect as many as 75 million people in a dozen states. What do you think?

News in Brief: Man Figured Drug Addiction Would Take Up A Lot More Free Time

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

NEW YORK—Explaining that his afternoons and evenings were still pretty much wide open, local man Eric Lang told reporters Friday that he had figured drug addiction would take up a lot more of his free time. “When I first started using...Show More Summary

News in Brief: Report: Mom Saw Car That Slid Off Road Into Ditch

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

ROCKVILLE, MD—Warning that it’s really getting nasty out there right now, local mother Diane Burchill, 56, reported Friday that she saw a car that slid off the road and into a ditch. “I was driving home on Route 28 and passed a minivan...Show More Summary

News in Brief: Obama Gently Guides Michelle’s Hand As She Maneuvers Drone Joystick

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

WASHINGTON—Leaning in close behind the first lady and softly whispering into her ear, President Obama gently guided Michelle’s hand as she maneuvered a Predator drone joystick control to acquire a high-value overseas target, White House sources confirmed Friday. Show More Summary

American Voices: World’s Largest Known Prime Number Found

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

A global initiative to discover previously unknown large prime numbers has deduced the largest one ever discovered, a 22-million-digit figure known as 2^74,207,281-1 that was found at the University of Central Missouri. What do you think?

News in Brief: Study Finds Girls Outperforming Future Employers In School

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

NASHVILLE, TN—The results of a comprehensive multiyear study charting the educational achievement of children throughout the United States were released Friday, revealing that the nation’s girls are increasingly outperforming their future employers in all subjects. Show More Summary

News in Brief: Everyone In Coffee Shop Can Tell Trainee A Goner

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

KIRKLAND, WA—Shaking their heads as they watched the man struggle to make correct change and overheard him botch back-to-back orders, every customer at local coffee shop The Daily Bean confided to reporters Friday they could tell the store’s newest trainee was a definite goner. Show More Summary

American Voices: Possible Ninth Planet Found In Solar System

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

Astronomers at Caltech have discovered compelling evidence that a massive ninth planet exists far past Neptune, with an orbit around the sun that takes over 10,000 years to complete. What do you think?

Article: Andy Reid Furious At Self For Poor Clock Management At End Of 72-Oz. Steak Challenge

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

KANSAS CITY, MO—Lamenting his total lack of urgency while chewing, Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid expressed frustration with himself Thursday over his poor clock management in the final moments of Union Grill’s 72-ounce “Belt Buster” steak challenge. Show More Summary

News in Brief: Study: Majority Of New Marine Life Species Now Discovered While Cleaning Oil Spills

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

WOODS HOLE, MA—Saying such periodic events have vastly expanded the scientific community’s understanding of oceanic biodiversity, a study released this week by the Woods Hole Marine Biological Laboratory determined that a significant majority of new marine species are now discovered while cleaning oil spills. Show More Summary

News: Pentagon Holds Gala To Celebrate 25 Years Of Bombing Iraq

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

WASHINGTON—Bringing together the many civilian leaders and military strategists who helped them reach such a historic milestone, Pentagon officials held a lavish black-tie gala Sunday at which, sources said, they commemorated 25 years of the United States bombing Iraq. Show More Summary

Sports News in Brief: Bill Belichick Visits Hospital To Watch Terminally Ill Fan Die

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

BOSTON—Stressing the importance of taking time to make such trips to local medical centers, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick reportedly visited Massachusetts General Hospital Thursday to watch terminally ill fan Brian Keller die. Show More Summary

American Voices: CDC: Half Of U.S. Schools Teach Proper Sex Ed

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention have found that less than half of U.S. schools teach their students sexual education according to the CDC’s 16 recommended topics, such as correct condom use and where to find reliable information on sexual health. What do you think?

News in Brief: Congress Allocates $90 Million To Protect Remaining Eagles Members

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

WASHINGTON—Convening an emergency session following the recent passing of famed singer and guitarist Glenn Frey, Congress voted unanimously Thursday to allocate $90 million to protect the remaining members of American rock group the Eagles, sources confirmed. Show More Summary

Infographic: How To Join The Priesthood

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

With the number of Catholic clergymen in the United States waning, those who choose the pious life of the priesthood are presented with many practical and spiritual challenges. Here is a step-by-step guide to becoming a priest: StepShow More Summary

American Voices: U.S. Faces Cauliflower Shortage

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

Due to climate change and the resultant low temperatures in California and Arizona where crops are grown, the nation faces a shortage of cauliflower, driving the price up to eight dollars per bundle in some areas. What do you think?

News: Khalid Sheikh Mohammed Reluctantly Accepts Alternative Sentence Of Coaching Troublesome Youth Sports Team

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

NEW YORK—In a deal that spared him capital punishment for his alleged orchestration of the 9/11 attacks, former al-Qaeda operative Khalid Sheikh Mohammed reluctantly accepted a judge’s alternative sentence requiring him to coach a disorderly youth baseball team, sources confirmed Wednesday. Show More Summary

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