Blog Profile / The Onion

Filed Under:Humor
Posts on Regator:9933
Posts / Week:27.3
Archived Since:April 2, 2008

Blog Post Archive

American Voices: Photographer Sparks Backlash For Wrapping Baby In American Flag

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

A photographer has sparked backlash for posting pictures from a photoshoot she did for a military family in which she wrapped their newborn baby in an American flag, which led Facebook users to accuse her of desecrating the flag and being disrespectful.

Peter King Realizes Fight With Wife Really About Disappointment In Raiders’ Offseason Moves

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

MONTCLAIR, NJ—Midway through an impassioned argument with his wife Friday morning, Sports Illustrated writer Peter King reportedly came to the realization that the fight was actually about his disappointment in the Oakland Raiders’ lack...

Unlikely Team Of Allies Unite To Take On Airport Gate Agent

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

BOSTON—Mobilizing from various corners of the seating area to form a unified front, an unlikely team of allies at Logan International Airport rallied together at gate B32 to take on the American Airlines boarding agent, sources reported Friday.

American Voices: Report: Texas Down To Last Lethal Injection Dose

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

While there are still six more prisoners on death row, Texas is reportedly down to its last dose of pentobarbital after executing a prisoner last week, giving it only enough substance for one more lethal injection.

Biden Worries Legalized Weed In D.C. Will Cut Into His Business

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

WASHINGTON—Claiming that his operation would be “completely dicked over” by an influx of product, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly became increasingly worried this week that the recent legalization of marijuana in Washington, D.C...

Man’s Bloodstream Enjoys Hour-Long Intermission Between Coffee, Alcohol Blitzes

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

PHOENIX—Reveling in a brief period during which it was reasonably free of any toxic substances, local man Trevor Gipson’s bloodstream reportedly enjoyed an hour-long intermission Friday between its daily coffee and alcohol blitzes.

American Voices: High School Seniors Vote For Communism-Themed Prom

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

Teenagers at a high school in New Mexico have voted to make the theme of their prom communism and name the event “Prom-munism,” prompting the head of the school to plan a talk with the students about what communism really means so they can dec...

Fantasy Baseball Commissioner Plumbs Deepest Depths Of Friend Circle To Find 12th Participant

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

STAFFORD, VA—Broadening his search to include anyone he knows with even a remote interest in sports, local 29-year-old Jeff Ludwin plumbed the furthest depths of his friend circle while attempting to find a 12th participant for his fantasy baseball...

Texas Now Regretting Wasting Doses Of Pancuronium Bromide On Innocent Guys Back In 1997, 2000, 2004

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

HUNTSVILLE, TX—Noting that their prison system’s supply of lethal injection drugs continues to dwindle as more manufacturers agree to halt sales, sources within the Texas Department of Criminal Justice confirmed Thursday that they now regret w...

Relieved Malia Obama Quietly Thanks Secret Service Agents For Taking Rap For Her

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

WASHINGTON—Expressing gratitude for helping her escape certain punishment, Malia Obama quietly thanked two Secret Service agents Thursday for taking the rap after she crashed a government vehicle into a White House barricade while returning from a l...

Wall Street Firm Develops New High-Speed Algorithm Capable Of Performing Over 10,000 Ethical Violations Per Second

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

NEW YORK—Calling it a major breakthrough that will significantly expedite and streamline its daily operations, Wall Street financial firm Goldman Sachs revealed Thursday it has developed a new high-speed algorithm that is capable of performing more...

American Voices: Burger King Quietly Drops Soda From Kids’ Menu

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

Fast food chain Burger King has quietly dropped sodas and other sugary beverages from children’s menus and replaced them with low-fat milk and low-fat chocolate milk.

High Schooler Promises To Have Man’s Impregnated Daughter Home By Midnight

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

BARTERFELD, TX—In an effort to demonstrate respect toward his date’s father, high school senior Marty DeLesko promised Patrick Bannon he would have the local man’s soon-to-be pregnant daughter home by midnight at the latest, sources repo...

Study Finds Swans Only Other Animals Who Mate For Few Years, Get Scared, End Things, Then Regret It

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

ATHENS, GA—Revealing how closely the waterfowl’s social behavior resembles that of humans, a study released Thursday by the University of Georgia has found that swans are the only other members of the animal kingdom that mate for a few years,...

Fraternity Members To Undergo Racial Sensitivity Hazing

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

EVANSTON, IL—In the wake of a controversial video depicting two individuals in the fraternity’s University of Oklahoma chapter leading a racist chant, Sigma Alpha Epsilon officials instituted a new national policy Wednesday requiring all membe...

Infographic: Commonly Overlooked Tax Credits

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

As Americans rush to fill out their tax forms before the April 15 deadline, many may not realize that they are eligible for multiple tax credits that would earn money back from the government.

American Voices: Facebook Removes ‘Feeling Fat’ From Status Update Options

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

After users complained that the emoticon encourages eating disorders and negative body image, Facebook officials deleted “feeling fat” from the list of status update options users can choose to indicate their mood.

Every Single NFL Player Traded, Retired, Signed, Cut, Re-Signed Over Past 24 Hours

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

NEW YORK—With NFL free agency now in full swing, league sources confirmed Wednesday that a whirlwind past 24 hours has resulted in every single player from every team being traded, announcing his retirement, signing with a new team, getting cut, and...

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