Blog Profile / The Onion


URL :http://www.theonion.com
Filed Under:Humor
Posts on Regator:3927
Posts / Week:10.7
Archived Since:April 2, 2008

Blog Post Archive

California Officials Assure Residents There Still Plenty Of Other Natural Resources To Waste

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

SACRAMENTO, CA—With residents struggling to adjust to newly imposed restrictions on water usage amid the state’s continuing drought, California officials assured citizens Monday there are still plenty of other resources available for them to w...

Woman Drawn To Shampoo With Most Gruesome Description Of Hair

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

PITTSBURGH—Scanning the shelves in the hair-care aisle of her local CVS, 24-year-old Jessica Codina was suddenly drawn to a bottle of shampoo featuring the most gruesome description of hair possible, sources confirmed Monday.

Infographic: The Pros And Cons Of Open-Plan Offices

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

More companies are remodeling offices to incorporate open-plan layouts in an effort to save money and encourage collaboration, though many employees complain that the setup eliminates privacy and makes it hard to concentrate.

Kentucky Players Distraught Over Losing Undefeated Season Bonuses

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

Kentucky Players Distraught Over Losing Undefeated Season Bonuses

Stephen Strasburg Encourages Pitchers To Shorten Games By Increasing Speed Of Fastball

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

WASHINGTON—With Major League Baseball at risk of losing fans due to the sport’s increasingly slow and lethargic pace, Washington Nationals right-hander Stephen Strasburg reportedly urged pitchers across the league Monday to shorten games by in...

Man Always Carries Gun In Case He Needs To Escalate Situation

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

TEMPE, AZ—Stressing the importance of being prepared for any circumstance that may occur, local man James Donner told reporters Monday he carries a gun on his person at all times in case he ever needs to escalate a situation.

American Voices: Report: High School Students Using Instagram To Choose Colleges

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

According to a report in Time magazine, many high school students are using Instagram to choose which college they will attend by checking out photos others have taken of the campus, at parties, or around town, which they say provide a more realist...

American Voices: Stanford Offering Free Tuition To Students Whose Families Make Less Than $125,000

3 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

As part of an effort to make college accessible and affordable, Stanford University has announced that it will offer free tuition to students whose parents make less than $125,000 per year.

Cubs Insist Wrigley Field Beef Machine Will Be Ready For Opening Day

3 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

CHICAGO—Responding to growing concerns about the state of offseason renovations to Wrigley Field, officials from the Chicago Cubs assured fans Friday that the stadium’s beef machine will be ready for the team’s opening game.

Out-Of-Style Woman Still Has Last Season’s Body Issues

3 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

NEW YORK—Describing her self-image problems as “totally passé,” sources confirmed Friday that woefully out-of-style woman Denise Agolado, 28, is still beset with last season’s body issues.

Conversational Lamprey Slowly Draining Life From Dinner Party

3 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

LANCASTER, PA—Explaining how their once-active discussion barely had the strength to continue on, sources confirmed Thursday that conversational lamprey Brian Kenney was slowly draining the life from acquaintance Josh Carrington’s dinner party...

American Voices: McDonald’s Raising Wages 10% To Attract Better Workers

3 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

McDonald’s has announced that beginning July 1, it is raising employee wages at corporate-owned locations 10 percent, from an average of $9.01 per hour to an average of $9.90 per hour, which experts say will help it attract better and more sought-af...

Geologists Unearth Fully Intact Rock

3 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

FORT COLLINS, CO—Describing the discovery as the most flawless specimen ever unearthed, a team of geologists working in northern Colorado announced Friday they had excavated a fully intact rock.

Philadelphia Museum Of Art Erects Statue Of Overweight Tourist Posing Next To Rocky Statue

3 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

Philadelphia Museum Of Art Erects Statue Of Overweight Tourist Posing Next To Rocky Statue

American Voices: Madame Tussauds Appoints ‘Tissue Attendant’ To Comfort One Direction Fans

3 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

A spokesman for Madame Tussauds wax museum in London said in a statement that museum officials brought in 150 boxes of tissues to the One Direction exhibit and appointed a “tissue attendant” to help fans grieving over the departure of Zayn Mal...

Infographic: How California Is Conserving Water

3 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

California governor Jerry Brown announced Wednesday that the state would impose its first-ever mandatory water reduction for residents in response to a four-year drought that has plagued large areas of the state.

Narcissist Convinced Total Strangers Would Want His Organs

3 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

AIKEN, SC—Demonstrating a total absorption in himself and his anatomy, narcissist Jesse Serrano is convinced that total strangers would actually want his organs, sources confirmed Thursday.

Wes Welker Fielding Offers From Numerous Concussion Researchers

3 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

DENVER—Saying that it’s a decision he needs to carefully consider and ultimately make together with his family, free agent wide receiver Wes Welker confirmed Thursday that he is currently fielding promising offers from a number of concussion r...

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