Blog Profile / The Onion

Filed Under:Humor
Posts on Regator:4479
Posts / Week:11.7
Archived Since:April 2, 2008

Blog Post Archive

American Voices: Google’s Self-Driving Car Linked To First Collision Injury

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

Minor injuries have been reported by test drivers after one of Google’s self-driving cars was rear-ended by another vehicle, leaving many to question the safety of autonomous vehicles, though Google reps say the accident demonstrates that distracted driving, not automation, is the biggest danger on the road. What do you think?

News in Brief: Man Sadly Realizes Cramped One-Bedroom Apartment Has Enough Space To Host Party With All His Friends

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

CHICAGO—Sighing as he scanned the room and performed a mental tally of everyone he would invite, local 26-year-old Andrew Bryer sadly realized that his cramped one-bedroom apartment has enough space to host a party with all of his friends, sources confirmed Friday. Show More Summary

News in Brief: Child’s Description Of Heaven During Near-Death Experience Specifically Mentions Book Deal

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

NEW YORK—Speaking for the first time since waking from a medically induced coma following a devastating car accident, 8-year-old Aiden Miller recounted an extremely vivid near-death experience Friday that reportedly contained detailed descriptions of heaven, angels, and a six-figure book deal. Show More Summary

Article: Home Run Ball Travels 3,000 Miles To Birthplace At Rawlings Factory

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

TURRIALBA, COSTA RICA—Gliding through the sky as part of a time-honored excursion occurring every season, a home run ball hit out of Seattle’s Safeco Field completed a roughly 3,000-mile journey Friday to return to its birthplace at the Rawlings factory, sources confirmed. Show More Summary

News in Brief: Fresca Quietly Takes Control Of 18-34 Demographic In Daring Overnight Raid

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

ATLANTA—In a bold and highly coordinated predawn raid that has taken the marketing world by surprise, soft-drink brand Fresca reportedly seized control of the strategically valuable 18-to-34-year-old demographic early Tuesday. “At 0115...Show More Summary

Sportsgraphic: Biggest Moves In NBA Free Agency

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

With numerous star players inking max contracts over the past two weeks, the first month of NBA free agency has already shaken up rosters across the league. Onion Sports examines the biggest free agent signings so far. Kevin Love: Signed...Show More Summary

American Voices: Former Auschwitz Guard Sentenced To 4 Years In Prison

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

Oskar Groening, a 94-year-old man known as the Accountant of Auschwitz due to his role in making the concentration camp profitable, was sentenced to four years in prison this week for his role in the deaths of 300,000 Hungarian Jews, a crime for which Groening apologized in court in a manner many felt to be insincere. What do you think?

American Voices: World’s Oldest Sperm Discovered

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

While on an Antarctic search for evidence of small mammal bones, researchers inadvertently discovered the oldest animal sperm on record, a 50-million-year-old worm sperm inside a fossilized cocoon, though the sperm was broken into fragments and will be unable to shed light on the anatomy of the worm species. What do you think?

News in Brief: Report: Murderer Who Escaped In 1996 Remains Most Successful Case Of Prisoner Reintegration

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

ROSEBURG, WA—Noting that the fugitive has surpassed all expectations for former inmates, sources confirmed Thursday that local convicted murderer Corey Morris, who escaped from the Idaho State Correctional Center in 1996, remains the nation’s most successful case of prisoner reintegration. Show More Summary

News in Brief: Toddler Unsettled By Whatever Possessed Her To Bite Friend’s Face

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

WESTON, CT—Visibly shocked and repulsed by her own behavior as she sat questioning the type of person she is deep down, unsettled 2-year-old Ellie Ritter admitted to reporters that she had no idea what compelled her to bite her friend on the face Thursday. Show More Summary

News in Brief: Commerce Secretary Urges Nation To Get In On Piece Of The Action

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

WASHINGTON—Emphasizing that if Americans want in on this they need to strike while the iron is hot, United States secretary of commerce Penny Pritzker on Thursday urged the nation to get a piece of the action. “Look, there’s loads of...Show More Summary

Infographic: Tips For Cheaper Airfare

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

Whether the busy travel season, fuel prices, or airline collusion is to blame, airfare is currently very pricey, making traveling more difficult. The Onion walks you through some ways to reduce the cost of flying: Some airlines charge...Show More Summary

Sports News in Brief: Every Comment On ‘Immaculate Reception’ YouTube Video Clearly From Franco Harris

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

PITTSBURGH—Noting that the dozens of rambling, overly excited posts date all the way back to when the clip was first uploaded in early 2011, sources confirmed Thursday that every comment below a YouTube video of the famed 1972 “Immaculate Reception” football play was clearly written by Pittsburgh Steelers Hall of Fame running back Franco Harris. Show More Summary

News in Brief: Astronomers Just Going To Go Ahead And Say Dark Matter Nitrogen

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

WASHINGTON—Declaring that this is the last time they ever hope to speak of the aggravatingly enigmatic substance, astronomers from NASA announced Thursday that they are just going to go ahead and say that dark matter is nitrogen. “Look,...Show More Summary

Onion Explains: Onion Explains: The Rise Of China

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

How do you build the world’s second-largest economy? The Onion explains China’s growth.

American Voices: FDA Delays Calorie Counts On Menus Until 2016

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

Though the rule was initially proposed last November, the FDA is extending its deadline for restaurants to begin printing calorie counts beside menu items, delaying the regulations until December 2016 in a move that could potentially allow more time for the measure to be lobbied against. What do you think?

News in Brief: New Omnigrain Cheerios Made With Every Existing Grain On Earth

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

MINNEAPOLIS—Touting the product’s health benefits and lightly sweetened flavor, General Mills unveiled Wednesday its new Omnigrain Cheerios, which are made with every known grain on earth. “Our new Omnigrain Cheerios feature the delicious,...Show More Summary

American Voices: Climate Change Causing Bumblebee Die-Off

2 weeks agoHumor : The Onion

A new study has found that the global bumblebee population is declining rapidly and entire species of the pollinating insect are dying out, a phenomenon largely attributed to pesticide use and climate change that threatens the world’s food supply. What do you think?

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