|Filed Under:||Local Interest / Africa|
|Posts on Regator:||936|
|Posts / Week:||3.8|
|Archived Since:||August 11, 2008|
We're gone but we're not forgotten. For five years we broke the news into lots of little pieces, leaving behind a bizarre, hilarious and downright scary record of the all the madness since 2008. And it's time to rediscover all our greatest hits…
Hayibo.com, aged 4 years and 11 months, passed away this morning after a long struggle with corporate apathy and creative overreach. Attended by family members, doctors, spokespeople with ludicrous names, and a small gathering of weeping Gummi Bears, the website slipped away peacefully after its server was switched off.
As satirical priests prepare to administer last rites to Hayibo.com, supporters and family members have gathered downstairs to share memories and eat slightly stale cucumber sandwiches. Here, then, are the most read Hayibo scoops of 2012 - something to talk about instead of having to acknowledge how bloody awful those sandwiches are.
The three bears affiliated with Beares furniture shop announced this morning that an anonymous donor had delivered three small pairs of trousers for them. “We couldn’t be happier,” said Bear 1. “For 82 goddamn years we’ve been standing here with our tackle waving in the breeze.”
The Mayans reckoned the world would end on December 21. For Hayibo, it's ending a week earlier (we've always been ahead of the curve). Yes, dear readers, we're terribly sad and sorry to tell you that Friday is the end of the line for South Africa's second best source of made-up news after the SABC.
Relieved historians and archaeologists say the world will not end on December 21. “We all thought the apocalypse was predicted by the Mayans, but new evidence suggests that what we found was in fact the final episode of Maya The Bee, called 'Maya Apocalypse',” explained an expert. Show More Summary
The ANC has for the first time admitted that Jacob Zuma was not their first choice as leader, but that he “came free with a Pay-as-you-go starter pack” in 1994. “Yes, it's expensive and inefficient topping him up with credit every few days, but it's better than being locked into a contract,” said a spokesman.
Consumers around the planet say they are sick and tired of Christians trying to claim Christmas as a celebration of the birth of Jesus. “The blatant opportunism of these morbid hippies is hurtful and disrespectful to our ancient Christmas traditions of patching over family feuds by exchanging plastic trinkets made in China,” said a spokesman.
South Africa's masses say they want Jacob Zuma to have a second term because they want him to have a second term. Asked what Zuma had done to improve their lives, they ululated loudly before screaming, “Zuuumaaa!” Asked whether they were worried by allegations of corruption and widening censorship, they ululated again before screaming, “Msholoziiiii!”
With rhino-poaching continuing unabated in South Africa, the Department of Environmental Affairs has announced a new strategy to combat the trade in rhino horns. “Strap a pair of wings on, dust them with glitter, and call them unicorns,” said a spokesperson. “That’s all we’ve got after the whole plastic red horns on cars thing didn’t work.”
As a shock report reveals that the average mathematics mark for South African Grade 9's is just 13 percent, the government has insisted that citizens will be much happier if they don't know how to count. “Imagine how much more jolly we'd all be if everyone thought that Nkandla cost the same as a chip roll and a Coke,” said a spokesman.
As the National Prosecuting Authority brings fifty new charges against Julius Malema, the former ANC Youth League president says he will pay off mounting legal costs by turning his ordeal into a bestselling sex thriller called 'Fifty Shades of Money Laundering'.
As South African Christians brace themselves for Lady Gaga's concert in Johannesburg tonight, her entourage has revealed that there is no cause for alarm. “Yes, we opened a portal to Hell when we did sound-checks this morning,” confirmed a spokesroady. “But the demons took one look at Joburg and went straight back to Hell. They'll take damnation over Dainfern any day.”
Having publicly announced that they are not feminists, the ANC Women's League has asked South Africa's women to form an orderly queue and give back the vote, the Pill, their right to work, and equality before the law. “Feminism gave us those things, and we can't really hang onto any of them if we're rejecting feminism,” explained a spokesconcubine.
The SABC has explained that it pulled a cartoon advert for the Fish & Chip Company featuring an animated Jacob Zuma because it was too similar to their regular broadcasts and would cause confusion. “The president is shown sitting giggling and saying nothing of importance,” said a spokesperson. “Everyone would think it was a bit from the last State of the Nation address.”
As Jacob Zuma continues to deny any prior knowledge of R250-million upgrades to his Nkandla not-compound, South Africans say he is innocent until proven guilty. “Which is even more depressing,” explained a spokesman. “Because it implies that the man in charge of our national finances has Grade R maths skills and is more or less catatonic.”
As iconic anchorman Riaan Cruywagen prepares to read his last news broadcast tonight, Afrikaners have begun to panic, saying that he was the only public figure they trusted. “Oom Riaan was all that stood between us and a tsunami of Commie Pommie Moffie propaganda,” explained one. “Did we walk barefoot over the Drakensberg for this?”
Millions of hipsters around the planet are facing an existential crisis as hipsterism goes mainstream. “I'm so not a hipster, because I was going mainstream long before it was mainstream,” said one. “But it is, like, confusing, because everyone is a hipster now, and how are we supposed to be all like niche and misunderstood when we're everywhere? Not that I'm a hipster.”
With just 30 shopping days left before the world ends in accordance with an ancient Mayan calendar, many holidaymakers are leaving Gauteng early to beat the pre-apocalypse rush to Cape Town. Meanwhile, the Education Department has announced it will “go out with a bang”, inflating Matric marks by 45,000%.
Reports that President Jacob Zuma financed his R248-million Nkandla residence with a bond from FNB forced the bank to close some branches today, as poor South Africans stormed in waving application forms. “I also have a dodgy financial history and I don’t own the land I want to build on,” said Homeless Nthebe. “In other words, I am eligible for a big fat bond.”