Blog Profile / Mommy Wants Vodka
| URL : | http://www.mommywantsvodka.com/ | |
|---|---|---|
| Filed Under: | Entertainment / Humor | |
| Posts on Regator: | 625 | |
| Posts / Week: | 4.4 | |
| Archived Since: | September 23, 2010 | |
Blog Post Archive
Out of the Frying Pan
“You need to get out of here. Now. While your self-esteem is still intact,” my nurse hissed at me as we pretended to be conferring over a particularly challenging medication pass. I simply stared at her, my eyes threatening to fill with tears. “I mean it, Becky. This place will chew you up and shred [...]Show More Summary
Dear Bleach: You Complete Me
This was sorta a sponsored thing, but I’d have done it for free because THAT is how deep my love for bleach is. Despite now having three children, becoming an Infection Control nurse, and having the not-so-insane-(probably) desire to return to school to become a virologist, I’m not particularly germaphobic. I mean, I’m not exactly [...]Show More Summary
Mother Thinks The Birds Are After Her
Despite my almost encyclopedic knowledge of Britney Spears it comes as a shock to tell you, Pranksters, that my brain banks hold no information about birds. I take that back. This is what I know about birds: They make noise. Sometimes other animals eat them. Orange cupcakes are the world’s most perfect food. It is [...]Show More Summary
TICKle Me Alex
“We live in the park!” is the brightly canned response I give my kids whenever they’re stuck staring at a mountain of gleaming green goose poo or shrieking about spiders daring to breathe in their direction (side note: do spiders practice aerobic respiration? I DO NOT KNOW). I’m not exactly lying to them, unless you [...]Show More Summary
Wordplay
Some fifteen(ish) years later, I can’t help but hear the voice of my father screaming at me every time I use my turn signal, “SIGNAL YOUR INTENT, REBECCA” followed generally by some nonsense about “AND PUT ON A FUCKING PAIR OF PANTS, DAMMIT” because that’s the way my brain works: it remembers odd turns of [...]Show More Summary
And Whispered To Her Neighbor, “Winter is Dead.”
It took me by surprise. In part, I’m certain, because I’ve been running around like a chicken with my head cut off for three months running (which, I should add, always gives me the delightful impression of a severed human torso running around with feathers stuck in it’s puckered pooper)(you’re welcome), and in part because [...]Show More Summary
All That You Won’t Leave Behind
“Where’s Dad?” a teenage Aunt Becky asked, mouth half-full of toast. I don’t quite know why I’d asked, it was a day ending in “day” so the answer was always the same. “Making copies,” my mom said, distracted by the huge puddle of piss my dumb-as-a-stone-but-sweet-as-fuck dog had left on the floor in outrage at [...]Show More Summary
Music Is My Nature
Today, Pranksters, I share not my story, but the story my son, Ben, tells. To give you some background as to why this story matters, I suggest reading this and this first. And now, Pranksters, I give you my firstborn son, Ben. Music has always been important to me. Somehow, I never got the chance [...]Show More Summary
Like A David Lynch Movie
I live in an area affectionately known as the “tri-cities,” for reasons that should be obvious: we are three cities. Okay, the name is a misnomer because, quite frankly, we’re more like a cluster of seventy-niner cities, which means you can’t spit without hitting one city or another. Therefore, we’ve accepted the more appropriate moniker [...]Show More Summary
I’d Rather Chug Gasoline
To call my father “fastidious” would be akin to saying that “diet Coke tastes okay.” Sure, they’re both true statements, but they don’t quite delve into the true essence of the statement. I’d say he probably has some degree of obsessive-compulsive disorder, but I’d imagine it’s more the “compulsive” rather than obsessive part of the [...]Show More Summary
Providence, Part Deux
I don’t get the impression, Pranksters, that a lot of us hold much stock in the idea of Providence (always with a capitol “P”) because, well, we’re a little bit jaded. It’s hard to see a world in which so many bad things happen to good people and say “everything happens for a reason.” I [...]Show More Summary
Somehow, I Don’t Think This Is What My Mother Meant
First things first, Pranksters – allow me to answer the two most burningest questions on your mind: Yes, I did get a job, but I have yet to find myself craving Mr. Rogers sweaters or penny loafers, nor have I decided that a “five year plan” is worth my brain power, so it’s safe to [...]Show More Summary
Tears Dry On Their Own
When you’re a blogger, most conversations with people outside of the computer go something like this: Them: “So now that I’ve finished telling you about the luxury yacht I just bought with the interest from my accounts, what is it that you do again? Me: “I’m a writer.” Them: “Oh? That’s positively charming. Where do [...]Show More Summary
Four
My Girl, Today at 4:3…uh, erms, mumbles incoherently you will be four years old. The squishy maternal part of me wants to throw you back into a onesie and one of those wee diapers that nearly engulfs your tiny bum and turn back the clock four years to the time when my youngest baby was [...]Show More Summary
Solving for Zero
Sorting through my stuff after I’d moved into the FBI Surveillance Van, I came across a picture taken many years ago. One of my Pranksters had suggested that I find a truly happy picture of myself and put it somewhere important to remind myself that there is happiness to be had again, so I slapped [...]Show More Summary
Like Chatroulette But With Less Wang
Do you remember Chatroulette, Pranksters? I only came across it back when I was writing online sex shop reviews for Toy With Me and searching for an angle to cover. If you have NO idea what I’m talking about, lemmie give you the very briefest of rundowns to the very best of my dwindling brain [...]Show More Summary
Like Some Passing Afternoon
There are very few questions I detest more than “Are you okay?” (Runners up include: “Where are your pants?” “Why do you hate thousand island dressing?” and the statement, “I’m worried about you.”) I must’ve asked that question to thousands of people over the years, especially when I was serving. The standard greeting of a [...]Show More Summary
It Is Always Better To Stare Stupidly At A Problem Than Actually Fix It
Being 32 years old, I’ve had experience with cars. Primarily driving them, occasionally riding in them, and very rarely scoring a makeout session in one (ah, Junior High, how I miss thee). And while my father made it his mission in life to both capture every fucking event 57 times with his camera, he also [...]Show More Summary
Geese Are Probably Dumb
Back when I was a wee Aunt Becky, I loved animals. Okay, scratch that, I STILL love animals, but not with the same intense fervor I once did, mostly because picking up animal shit is gross. But back then, in the days of wine and roses, I didn’t have to think about Kitty Shitters or [...]Show More Summary
When Acupressure Mats Attack
According to the website, if I ordered this “acupressure mat,” I’d be able to feel restored blood circulation and endorphins which are like the sex hormones, and WOAH, who doesn’t want more sex hormones? Also: increased blood circulation is probably good, although I admit that my back hasn’t felt particularly necrotic. So I ordered one. [...]Show More Summary