|Filed Under:||Entertainment / Humor|
|Posts on Regator:||654|
|Posts / Week:||3.2|
|Archived Since:||September 23, 2010|
Part I Part II Part III After what felt to be 27 years – but was more likely to have been 27 minutes – I decided that one melting down child (read: me) was enough; it was time to return to our humble room to watch some … whatever people watch in hotels that isn’t […] The post What Was Decidedly NOT Brownie Batter appeared first on Mommy Wants Vodka.
Yesterday at 1:14 Me: “You know what I don’t get? TWILIGHT.” Lauren: “Oh Em Eff Ge I LOVE those books.” Me: “How can you read them? Stephanie Meyer can’t write herself out of a paper bag?” Lauren: “I may have also seen every movie opening...Show More Summary
“I was so happy to see your Mom at Alex’s concert the other day. Saw she’s using a cane now, so’s mine. She’s been falling a lot – I’ve had to go over and help her off the floor more times than I care to count. She needs a second total knee replacement now; she […] The post Things Unsaid Today appeared first on Mommy Wants Vodka.
Part I Part II Because I am not only stupid, but dumb too, I can’t back down from a fight. I tried once, but it broke my arm. So when I started getting the hairy eyeball for daring to sit on an unoccupied chair adorned with an unused beach towel, my fake-rock bruised ass was […] The post Street Fighting (wo)Man appeared first on Mommy Wants Vodka.
Part I After wandering through the endless labyrinth of badly-carpeted halls while lugging the absolute most amount of crap I’ve ever packed for a trip, finally, we reached our room. The kids, by this time, were weeping from hunger,Show More Summary
Growing up, my parents weren’t much for amusement parks. They considered them to be beneath us, and every time I begged to visit one of those stop-n-drop carnivals set up around the outskirts of town, they shuddered notably and gave me a long lecture about how unsafe these things were. Show More Summary
If you have an awesomely hilarious and/or ridiculous guest post you’d like to post, email me! firstname.lastname@example.org and we’ll get ‘er done. Unemployment can cause crazy things to happen in a person’s life. Sometimes, you get lazy and sleep all day and do nothing. Show More Summary
Working in Chicago (as opposed to NOT Chicago), I tend to see a lot of weird shit. Like the circulating saw blade out in front of my office next to the rusty razor blade, which I took one look at, thought “Someone should do something about that,” realized that there was no way in hell […] The post Ding Dong appeared first on Mommy Wants Vodka.
When my daughter was a toddler, she and I had a lot of problems with her frequent over-usage of soap and lotion. Well, her fascination with all things cleansing and moisturizing has reached an entire new level. A level so embarrassing...Show More Summary
Back when I was a kid living in, you guessed it, Chicago winter was full of the awesome. That is, until January hit, you’d successfully squeezed out every magic drop of Christmas present goodness – hell, you’d even made “my monkey butler Mr. Show More Summary
On my eighth birthday, I remember slogging ass out of bed and down to the kitchen for a bit of toast before beginning the day’s activities. A late riser as well, my father happened to be sitting at the counter as I toasted my bread. Always one to poke fun at what a she-beast I […] The post Another Year Over appeared first on Mommy Wants Vodka.
Only because my links are sadly outdated, here are the answers to your questions: To buy a Cancer is Bullshit tee, click here. To buy an I Kicked Cancer’s Ass shirt, click here. The rest of my shirts are here. Before you click away, horrified that I’m about to launch into a […] The post I Had A Dream appeared first on Mommy Wants Vodka.
Of all the new year cliches, none seem to be more true that the people who fill gyms, yoga classes and fitness centers on January 1st. I’m what you could call “a gym class regular”, not a hero, not a meathead, not even an enthusiast,...Show More Summary
Every now and again, Pranksters, I get pitched an article that’s worth sharing (not, obviously written by you – because I’m so bringing Guest Post Friday’s back. Email email@example.com if you have a hilarious story you think other Pranksters will dig) and I do it. Show More Summary
On September the 10th, 2005 at 11:15 in the morning, Dave and I were married in front of 150 of our closest friends and family. We drank sangria and danced with our loved ones until the wee hours of the morning, celebrating our union. Today, December the 31st at 11:17 in the morning, Dave and […] The post The Last, Last Time appeared first on Mommy Wants Vodka.
Generally speaking, I think memes are as interesting as dry toast, so I tend to avoid them. If anyone really cared much about “which Disney Princess I am,” I’d begin to wonder about your sanity, Pranksters. I’m used to seeing that shit...Show More Summary
Dear Pranksters, Normally, I wouldn’t bother to write out a long-winded and boring explanation for my absence from my blog (I’ve been active on The Facebook and The Twitter, but that is neither here nor there) because frankly, it could...Show More Summary
When my kids were little and we’d get onto an elevator, they’d get this horrified look on their face like, WHATTHEFUCKISHAPPENING? And I was all, I know EXACTLY how you feel. See, eleventy-niner years ago (rough estimate), I worked for a much-hated insurance company. Show More Summary
Despite my plans to run through the Apple store up the block screaming “Android Rulez!” (and yes, the “z” is absolutely necessary) every time Apple launches a new product, I’ve yet to do it. Why? Because that would be a hot, steaming pile of bullshit. Show More Summary
(ring ring) Dave: “Hey, just calling to see what time you’d be by to pick up the kids tonight.” Me: “Erms…kids? I have kids?” Dave: “Well, I think so.” Me: “Huh.” Dave: “But… they do sometimes make mistakes with these things.” Me: “Must’ve...Show More Summary