Blog Profile / ComPost

Filed Under:News
Posts on Regator:2696
Posts / Week:7.5
Archived Since:April 20, 2011

Blog Post Archive

Is anyone reading this top-secret daily presidential briefing?

last weekNews : ComPost

Dear Mr. President, and to whom it may concern, Hello. Before I get to the killer graphics which I have promised (they will HAVE to be killer in order to possibly even hope to convey information in a PICTURE that was once the province of NUMEROUS pages typed in a rather small font! But it is […]

Who is still working in the White House?

last weekNews : ComPost

Hope Hicks is gone. H.R. McMaster may be on the way out. Who remains, it is difficult to say. The ranks are getting sparser and sparser every week and have to be combed more and more carefully into place. Here, as best as I can determine, are the people still at the White House:  Chief of Staff John […]

Hope Hicks’s many opportunities

last weekNews : ComPost

After admitting to the House Intelligence Committee that she was occasionally called upon to tell “white lies” for the president, Hope Hicks has announced that she is leaving the White House. She says these things are not related. She stayed for many Scaramuccis longer than her predecessor. But in the end it got her, too. It […]

God speaks unto Oprah

last weekNews : ComPost

“‘God, if you think I’m supposed to run, you gotta tell me, and it has to be so clear that not even I can miss it.’ And I haven’t gotten that yet,” said Oprah unto People magazine. “Send me a sign,” said Oprah unto the Lord, “if that it be Thy will that I should […]

Donald Trump possesses rare powers. Didn’t you know?

2 weeks agoNews : ComPost

“You don’t know until you test it, but I think, I really believe, I would have run in there even if I didn’t have a weapon,” Donald Trump said. Donald Trump would have run in there, unarmed. He would have done that. And it would have worked. Donald Trump is the greatest hero of our […]

The Winter Olympics, abridged

3 weeks agoNews : ComPost

If you have not been watching the Winter Olympics but want to blend in at social gatherings, do not fret. I am here. I have been doing almost nothing BESIDES watching the Olympics. Here is an abridged version of everything that has happened so far. (We are in what the NBC announcers erroneously and continually insist […]

Welcome to AP U.S. History! Everyone say hi to the tank and the 150 heavily armed men.

3 weeks agoNews : ComPost

Hi, and welcome to AP U.S. History! Per the president’s instructions, 150 trained ex-Marines and a tank will be sitting in with us this semester. Everyone say hi! And get cozy. There isn’t a lot of room here because we decided that, of all the possible ways we could have sought to ensure our children’s […]

Excuse me, director, I have some questions about my role in the spring play as crisis actor

3 weeks agoNews : ComPost

Dear Mr. Spencer, First, I am SO excited to be cast in the spring production this year as a crisis actor, and I look forward to giving the role my all! Since I have previously starred as Courtney (“Legally Blonde”), Chorus (“Grease”) and Factory Worker 3/Third Alternate for Madame Thenardier (“Les Mis”) among other roles, you know you can […]

Modify my views on guns, or vilify traumatized teens? I have chosen the latter.

3 weeks agoNews : ComPost

I am very concerned about the schoolchildren. For their own protection (too late), it is important to me that they have their microphones taken away from them, stat. I only wish that in addition to the nightmare they have had to live through and the loss they have had to suffer, someone will lovingly place duct […]

Trump renews nation’s commitment to simply ignore gun violence and hope it goes away

4 weeks agoNews : ComPost

On Thursday, President Trump spoke to Americans who were so devastated and enraged that, after 17 people were murdered in one day at a Florida high school, they could not keep pretending to be unaware of how many incidents of gun violence were occurring in schools, as they have done on every other day so far this year.  “Wait, […]

That last Louise Linton profile wasn’t rehabilitating enough. Here’s mine.

last monthNews : ComPost

“Louise was blessed and fortunate enough to be raised in a Scottish castle, and to not understand the reality of some human beings with a different background,” said Louise Linton’s friend in this Elle profile. In fact, I do not think that profile did a good enough job of showing how down-to-earth Louise Linton is at all. […]

The stages of composing a dating-app message for your friend

last monthNews : ComPost

The phone is handed over. “I don’t know what to write back,” your friend says. You stare at the phone. You have been in a committed relationship for a hundred Scaramuccis, and so this is how you live now. You have forgotten what it’s like to have to persuade someone who has never met you to like you, […]

Blue-Apron-style replacement for SNAP is a marvelous idea

last monthNews : ComPost

Some people have raised objections to the concept proposed by Office of Management and Budget Director Mick Mulvaney of replacing SNAP with a “Blue Apron-style” shipment of nonperishables. They point out that this is really nothing like Blue Apron, which sends perishables to families that choose to eat them every week. They say that this […]

But it never happened in the (Oval) Office: The Rob Porter story

last monthNews : ComPost

We wish our departing colleague well. He worked very hard. And we should say, in his defense, he never stored any human corpses in the office refrigerator.  That he had a brown paper bag with a human head in it at home is, indeed, icky, but he never brought that bag to the office. All the brown bags […]

Donald Trump loves a parade

last monthNews : ComPost

“We can’t all be heroes, because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by,” as Will Rogers once said. So. President Trump wants a parade. He went to France and saw a parade, and he wants one like they had, but bigger and creepier (which, incidentally, is similar to what […]

‘Game of Wars,’ or ‘Star of Thrones’

last monthNews : ComPost

“Game of Thrones” showrunners David Benioff and D.B. Weiss have been tapped to helm a new Star Wars trilogy. I got access to the rewritten scripts of “Episode IV” that they had to produce to prove they were up to the task. Some choice excerpts follow. EXT. SPACE — NIGHT The Death Star looms over the […]

Useless things people have said to the DOW after it plummeted 1,100 points

last monthNews : ComPost

You should get up! Get up right now! Why aren’t you getting up? Is this a temporary setback, or were you always a flimflam, and now people have realized it? I don’t understand why you’re down. I think people are counting on you, although I don’t fully understand all the details of how. Look around you. Everyone […]

Lady Doritos (and other lady snacks)

last monthNews : ComPost

PepsiCo’s chief executive has suggested the company might manufacture a new line of Doritos for the ladies – one that will make less noise and come in a smaller, more PURSE-READY packet! Frankly, if this were satire I would be annoyed by it and worry that Reductress had fallen off its game. Here are a few […]

The memo really is worse than the abuses that led to the American Revolution

last monthNews : ComPost

Sebastian Gorka was right when he told Fox News that the Nunes memo would be 100 times bigger than the offenses that kicked off the American Revolution. When I saw that the memo from House Intelligence Committee Chairman Devin Nunes’s (R-Calif.) office had been released, I could not believe my eyes. I sat bolt upright in […]

Why do I feel as if some things may have been omitted from this memo?

last monthNews : ComPost

To: The American People From: The Most Unbiased of Arbiters, Devin Nunes’s Staff Date: 2/2/2018 Subject: The Vast Conspiracy Beneath Your Feet Here are some documents that came to us from the FBI that we feel the American people deserve to see in their true and unedited form. It just shows you what is going […]

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