Blog Profile / Wonkette

Filed Under:US Politics / Liberal
Posts on Regator:3750
Posts / Week:9
Archived Since:March 3, 2008

Blog Post Archive

Happy Birthday Jeb! Bush, Don’t Set Yourself On Fire With Those Candles

John Ellis J.E.B. Jeb Bush was squirted out of his mama’s beautiful mind on this day, but in the last century, some 63 or so years ago, somewhere in the middle of a Texas oil field, probably. While his parents, Bar and Poppy, had hoped he’d be smarter than his drooling idiot big brother Dubya, t’was

Red Lobster Thrilled Beyoncé Considers It Top Choice For Post-Coital Noshing

Red Lobster is having a very giggity week right now, what with the shoutout it just got from Queen Beyoncé Who Slays, in her stunning new single “Formation,” which she released as a surprise on Saturday, the way she likes to do. If you live in the France or something and do not pay attention to real football,

South Dakota Would Like To Take A Stab At Gay-Bashing Now

In 2015, The Supreme Court forced all Americans to do gay to each other’s butts within the bonds of holy homosexual matrimony, and the transgenders started invading all the Good Christian Potties and peeping on the ladies applying their Maybelline while they drop dainty deuces. Meanwhile, some of our states have been having a big

Marco Rubio Is Total Loser, Should Definitely Be Republican Nominee

Marco Rubio is not very good at running for president. His impressive third-place win (that was sarcasm, by the way) in Iowa gave him the momentum to sweep fifth place in New Hampshire (more sarcasm), just behind Jeb “World’s Saddest Loser” Bush, which doesn’t make Rubio a strong contender for the Republican nomination, but does put him

Don’t Be Jealous Of Flint, America, You Probably Have Poison Water Too!

Almost every time we write about the multiple bureaucratic and political failures that led to the poisoning of Flint, Michigan’s water supply with incredible amounts of lead, we pour ourselves a nice cold glass of clean water from our Brita water pitcher and think how glad we are that disasters like Flint’s don’t happen all

Cleveland To Tamir Rice: Being Dead Is No Excuse For Being A Deadbeat

Look, being shot to death by police doesn’t get you off the hook when it comes to paying your medical bills. At least according to the City of Cleveland, which filed a notice with the probate court Wednesday, demanding that the estate of Tamir Rice, the 12-year-old who was shot to death by police for the

Cliven Bundy Arrested, Remaining Oregon Militia Jackwagons To Surrender

10 hours agoUS Politics / Liberal : Wonkette

Big news from the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Oregon Wednesday night. While most of the armed militia squatters are already rotting in jail as political prisoners, the FBI decided it was sick of waiting for the remaining four to surrender already, moving in on the refuge and bull-horning that really, people, it’s time to surrender

Tennessee Poors Refuse To Be Drug-Addicted Welfare Queens, Unfair!

10 hours agoUS Politics / Liberal : Wonkette

If you are a Republican lawmaker in these US-es of America, you are absolutely certain that somewhere, a bunch of people are lazying around on their fat asses using their free Obamaphones to order ‘spensive lobster from Amazon Prime, and then sexting their friendly neighborhood drug representatives to say, “Give me double order of the bad drugs

Time For Hillary And Bernie To Call Each Other Big Hairy Dumb Stupidheads Again!

11 hours agoUS Politics / Liberal : Wonkette

Oh look it’s time to do another Democratic debate because might as well. The New Hampshire primary is over, and now Hillary and Bernie are heading to Nevada and then South Carolina, and who’s winning? DEMOCRACY IS WINNING. As usual, you have questions about what will happen at the debate tonight, and we have bullshit

Chris Christie Tells Himself To Sit Down And Shut Up

Remember when New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie was going to bully his way to the White House with his stellar platform, “It’s time to start offending people”? Boy did that get shut down faster than you can say “George Washington Bridge”: Chris Christie — the brash New Jersey governor whose fast rise in Republican politics

Lying Liar Carly Fiorina Promised To Keep Running, Was Lying About That Too

Sure, Carly Fiorina is a total loser who stinks of epic FAIL, but she’s not about to take her bitter vagina and go home just yet. After getting just a skosh above nothing percent in the New Hampshire primary on Tuesday, her campaign insisted she is not quitting, she is going to go on and on … and on AND

Jeb Bush So Grateful He Won New Hampshire, If You Don’t Count Everyone Else

Here is Jeb Bush on Tuesday night, thanking the voters for his stunning victory in New Hampshire: We need — we need a president with a steady hand, with a proven record. Who has a servant’s heart. Who doesn’t believe it’s all about him. That’s why I’m running for the presidency of the United States,

Denny’s Admits Making Black Customers Prepay Was No Grand Slam

Normally, the most offensive thing associated with Denny’s is literally any menu item served at Denny’s, but this is an auspicious occasion. See, on Feb. 5, Denny’s settled a lawsuit over one location’s attempt to make two African-American customers prepay for their meal because the restaurant assumed they were planning to dine and dash. And no, paying in advance

Achtung! Alert! BOSTON! We Are In You Today!

Hey, Boston! Come meet, eat, and greet with Yr Wonkette, the Official Wonkette Babby, and also Shy! Today, from 4:30-7:30, at the Whiskey Priest! Yes, it is way down south, where RV parking grows on trees!

Christian College Officially No Longer Has To Deal With Gross Professor Who’s Nice To Muslims

Time for an Official Wonkette update on a story we brought you weeks back, about Wheaton College political science professor Larycia Hawkins, and her nasty proclivity for acting like Muslims are not only human beings, but also people who worship the same god as Christians. (Don’t know where she got that, except for maybe THE HISTORY

Ask Wonkette Anything About Why We Are Doing A Reddit Ask Me Anything!

Remember a couple years back, when we got BANNED by REDDIT (/r/politics) for the crime of inserting a speculum into their vagina? Those were fun good times! I was all hey we are not crime? And they said no, you are satire, just like those idiots who make up excellent stories about famous people who

Wonkette Babby Wins All-Important New Hampshire ‘Morning Joe’ Primary

ALL HAIL WONKETTE BABY! You already know that, because you “all hail” her all the time. But if you were doing your normal routine Tuesday, which is obsessively staring at the respective Twitter feeds of Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski, just to see when they might be on the television next, and then canceling your

New Hampshire Really, REALLY Loves That Racist Jerkhole Donald Trump

Donald Trump finally redeemed himself after his humiliating weak-baby L-O-S-E-R loser defeat in corn mazes of Iowa last week, by winning the holy OMG hot dayum bejesus out of the New Hampshire primary Tuesday night. He whoop-assed the eleventeen other Republican losers, with a big fat 35 percent of the vote, lapping Miss Runner-Up John Kasich,

Here Is Your Bernie Sanders New Hampshire Victory-Palooza Speech, For You To Fap To

Big news out of New Hampshire, like they rarely say! With 92 percent (and updating!) of precincts reporting, Bernie Sanders beat Hillary Clinton in the New Hampshire primary by a 60-38 margin to become America’s first Jewish president of the New Hampshitters (or of ANY primary ever in history), which means he will be traveling

Liveblogging The Epic Battle For Better Than Last Place In New Hampshire Primary

Hello New Hampshire! Y’all done voting early and often for the guy or the other guy or the lady guy or the other lady guy or that punchy-faced pouty-assed Canadian? Oh, probably not him. Cool. We cannot wait to find out which candidates you white (really white) rural voters decided is best for the rest of the

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