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The magazine that never got read…or printed.

I'd forgotten I'd knocked these up some time ago, Waiter and Bus-Boy Monthly - the magazine for slingers, schleppers and carriers and chums thereof. Could have made my millions with this. Heh. issue 0ne issue 2 issue 3 - smaller to fit into apron pocket

Lunch at Coco…

Little Miss Manuel and I ventured forth on WDF'S fifth birthday to Coco on Belfast's Linenhall Street. This is what we had...  bread tapenade and oils... fritto misto rocket, curry mayonnaise and lemon vinaigrette pan fried scallops with cauliflower purée, Clonakilty black pudding and port reduction (pretty as a picture) honey roast pork belly with [...]

Always check behind you…

So it was late one afternoon many, many years ago and a chum and I were working away in the kitchen of Pizza Hut. We were larking about, as you do, whilst keeping an eye out for the boss. The area manager was due in at any moment and we were supposed to be on [...]

After Five Years of Shouting…I Deserve Cake!

Gaze upon the opulence and splendour that is the Well Done Cake because every birthday deserves cake. It was made by that magnificent bastard James Watson from Cakes by James. Five years done...and I'm only getting warmed up. Now the tantrums really start. Cheers for reading. You people warm me.

The Sate of the known Filletverse…

Another weekend done, another weekend closer to the big section in the sky. Excuse me, dear reader,  if I seem a bit morose but some of you didn't cover yourselves in glory this weekend. It's like some people just haven't been reading my daily missives, my dispatches from the frontline at all over the last [...]

Badges are back…!

Badges are back! As it's nearly Well Done Fillet's fifth birthday I'm feeling generous! So the first fifty people to email me using the form below will get a free, random, Well Done Fillet badge. Stick your address in the message are and mark the Subject as Badges. Ta. I promise not to stalk you, [...]

Dicks, assholes and Waiters…

The interaction between waiter and guest can sometimes feel like being in a co-dependent relationship. Sometimes it's Romeo and Juliet. Sometimes it's Jordan and Peter Andre or Jordan and Alex Reid or Jordan and Gareth Gates...You get the point. More often than not though it's a whole lot less passionate and instead feels, well from [...]

Mark Twain was right…

"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt." That Mark Twain knew what he was on about. Wonder if he ever waited tables. I mean I can spot the half witted, the dull of mins and the dunderheads before they've opened their mouths and long before [...]

Dead waiters don’t spill beer twice…

So you're the leader of, probably, the last financially solvent nation in Europe and you pop out for a pint half litre of ridiculously strong beer only for the waiter to tip the tray of beer over your back. Crikey, not good times. But to Angela Marklar's credit she didn't react with fury, physical violence or [...]

Bingo wings in the gravy…

Most days I go to work pretty confident about what I can expect. I mean the routine is pretty regular - set up, order, serve, smile fuck, clean down, home, cry, sleep.  The faces may change, not by much to be fair, but the routine remains the same unbroken chain of events. I welcome the [...]

“That’s a Cracker…”

  So a waiter walks up to Frank and asks him if he would like his pizza cut into 6 or 8 slices. "Six", says Frank "I don't think I could eat eight" Ha, that's a cracker. It really was the way he told them. Frank Carson, funny man... Rest in Peace old chap.

Restaurateurs & Complaints – Yer Doing it Wrong!

I remember this one time at a party a few years back when a couple of friends got into a bit of an argument. I start all stories like this now, I remember this one time, as I am delighted at still having the ability to recall events from yesteryear, actually remembering what happened yesterday is [...]

Manuel says, “NO!”

Never let it be said that I, Manuel, am a Luddite. I embrace change. I yearn for the new. I marvel at advances in modern technology. I cuddle the exotic and the strange. I stare wide-eyed at wondrous things. I lick the face of the newfangled. I kiss the....okay you get the point. And all [...]

Table for Mr Owl…isn’t it?

The phone was ringing, so I answered it...as you do. It was a man... 'Hello Manuel speaking, what you want?' or words to that effect. 'Yes, hello I would like to reserve a table you see' I found this an odd way to respond to my greeting. It was like he'd been talking to me [...]

The Waiter’s Greatest Enemy…

Thursday night and we were in the full throes of a damn busy night. The restaurant was stuffed with punters - average age 50 and a combined age of something northwards of 3500. It was us, the waiters, versus the 3550 year old beast. And a beast it was with every old person complaint from [...]

The simple joy of the middle fingering the punter…

So it seems my delightful place of waiterly employment wasn't the only restaurant to suffer the always rude St. Valentine's Day no-shows. Tales were carried via Twitter of all sorts of tables failing to turn up for their reservations despite having gone to the bother of selecting, planning, phoning and lastly confirming their table. What's [...]

Mopes & Dopes

I take back everything I said yesterday. St Valentine's day sucks balls, hairy old man balls at that. The sort of balls that look alien and otherworldly. Seven tables no showed. How bloody rude! As one commenter on twitter put it, "May they forever know impotence". Impotence would be the very least I wish on [...]

Not Yet

Two weeks ago my dog Buster became unable to jump on the couch. Buster lives on the couch so I found this development mildly worrisome. At nine years old he has some arthritis and is not a limber as he still  thinks he is. Then a few days later his back legs gave out and [...]

Claudius II, Brian Valentine and Me…& you.

It was the night before St. Valentine's day and all the waiters were tucked up in their beds not giving the teeniest, tiniest fuck for the day ahead. Don't get me wrong, as a people, we waiters are pro-love. I mean if you have ever been to a restaurant staff party you will have witnessed, [...]

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