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Strong Legs…

I was reminded of this short video the other day thanks to a tweet by the living legend that is Fred Sirieix when he said, "The un-smart/sleepy waiter needs to have strong legs to walk back to those tables/places where he forgot to do/bring something" a waitress who makes a terrible mistake. Dir.Writer - W. [...]

The people next door need to stay next door…

I have new neighbours. Ugh. This fills me full of fear. I fear for my sleeping routine but mainly I fear for my, "Quiet guy, kept himself to himself" lone nutter way of life. What if they want to talk to me and be my friend? Oh god, the very thought has me reaching for [...]

Lazy day off post…

I really haven't got the chutzpah to write anything tonight having spent two hours shouting at the television. I am spent. Instead let me offer you other peoples work... On the night The San Pellegrino Top Fifty Restaurants were announced (Noma is number one again. Did I ever mention that I've eaten there? Heh) this [...]

Anderson Cooper

Hello again. Just wanted to let you know I’ll be on Anderson Cooper’s daytime talk show tomorrow afternoon. (May 1) Please check your local listings for showtimes. Guess what? Anderson was a waiter once too! I knew I liked the guy.

She said yes…

Another weekend done. Another weekend closer to the big waiter station in the sky. Using the popular vernacular of the day it was all a bit meh. Saturday, whilst fully booked, lacked the push and pressure I enjoy/need. In order to get my pressure fix I stayed in bed until the very last-minute on Sunday [...]

Welcome!

If you’ve come to this website after watching 20/20, welcome! Most of my waiter stories can be found in the archives dating from 2004-2009. After that, you’ll find some fiction I wrote and some observations I’ve made about life. I hope you enjoy all my stories! And yes, you can buy Waiter Rant or my [...]

20/20

Hey everybody. I’ll be on ABC’s 20/20 this Friday night at 10PM. Set your DVRs!

Huffing? We invented that…

Kids eh. Seriously kids these days, they are very fucking annoying with their haircuts and mustard coloured trousers and skateboards and energy, oooh I hate their energy. I particularly hate the way they hide their boundless energy under a veneer of disinterest and cynicism. But mostly I hate the ones who have money to go [...]

Restaurant Advert Makes Normal People Kill Themselves…

Watch this...just...just watch this... Fucking wow! I was sure, so utterly convinced, that this was a sketch from a comedy show I kept wondering when the punchline would come. But it's not a spoof. It's a real thing for a real restaurant with real people. Well as real as fake human beings can be. Sickening [...]

My road to Damascus moment

Today was the dullest day I've endured in years. I was off work. I was free and easy. The world, or the bit of it within a ten buck taxi fare, was at my fingertips but yet I did nothing. I spoke to no one save for a few grunted words with The Cousin re [...]

Ho ho ho…

Saturday night and it was all hands to the deck what with a reservation sheet busting at the seams with bookings. One has to take a deep breath when faced with night's like these. But then again these are the nights you love the most - the pressure, the adrenaline, the sweating like a chef [...]

Well-played kids, well-played…

For every action there is a reaction. For example when The Cousin told me he was going out for a walk I fell off my chair. Action, reaction. Obviously what he meant to say was that he was going out for a walk to the shop to get chocolate and not because he was going [...]

Aces…

The worst thing about taking time off is the revenge schedule you get when you go back to work. I was off work for five days and for that I was stiffed with seven in a row including more splits than a ballet class and more doubles than United. So there was no question about [...]

Things that make me go ‘heh’…

You know that moment when you're sitting in a restaurant and you are starving, like eat a lamb-of-god hungry, and all you can think about is the delicious 16oz steak with triple cooked fries and assorted sundries and what have you that you think you ordered an hour ago but was only actually like 10 [...]

The Curmudgeonly-Straightbacks, People from New Jersey & Revenge…

I'm still not ready to talk about it...the weekend, that weekend. Like I said in dispatches on Saturday, before I slumped on my bed in a heap and cried myself to sleep (again), it will take a psychiatrist with a doll and a soothing voice to get over it, the humping that I got. Of course [...]

Manuel V The Children…

You know what is surprisingly easy? I mean like super easy. Making wee girls cry. I mean it's an embarrassingly easy. Getting candy off them is as tricky as a physics exam in the dark with no knowledge of the subject. But making them cry? That's a cinch! Don't get me wrong I really didn't [...]

Oh My! points at beverage and laughs

Three men arrived in the restaurant one evening last week. They were unremarkable men - average height, average build, average clothes, averages faces, average manners, ghastly shoes (grown men in suits shouldn't be wearing Kickers). You get the point though, they were just, you know, men. They were chit-chatting as I lead them to their [...]

A Little Part of You Dies

(Another Byrne story I wrote for fun. Comments and free editorial suggestions welcome.) Hoboken used to be a tough town filled with stevedores and working stiffs until a wave of New York real estate fetishists crossed the Hudson back in the 90’s and turned it into an oblast of Manhattan. As I walked down Washington [...]

Ah the Spirit of Easter…

The phone was ringing... I answered it, such is the convention. I'd rather have thrown my shoes at it but, you know, work and all that. "Awrigh...Youseuns open on Sunday like?" "Ah yes sir we are indeed" "Easter Sunday like?" "Yes...yes sir we are open this Sunday, Easter Sunday" "What ya doin?" I was so [...]

2012 or 1950 – Take your pick but you can’t have both

Opening hours for licensed premises in Northern Ireland for the Easter period - Thursday the 5th of April to Sunday the 8th of April 2012. On Thursday, April 5th, the hours are 11.30am – 11pm, with half-an-hour drinking up time. Only premises with an Article 44, ‘late licence’, may remain open to serve alcohol until 12am [...]

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