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Jay Rayner Alert Klaxon

Jay Rayner - he's here for the food but will leave with your soul. Big scary tree sized bastard Jay Rayner is in town today! If you're not sure why you should be concerned about this let me remind you what he said the last time he visited Belfast... "Until, that is, they bring the [...]

Panic tipping…

The waiters are maybe, sometime in the future, I dunno, going on strike or something. Please panic tip your waiter this weekend. Heh. Ha, you crazy English people with your crazy government advice and love of queuing. This must be all your dreams come true. But seriously, panic tip your waiter this weekend. You never [...]

“The restaurant employees were locked up in their quarters…to prevent them from rushing the lifeboats”

As we all know by now Saturday sees the opening of the Titanic visitors centre in Belfast. It's been a long time coming. All the talk has been on what a marvellous job the men of Harland & Wolff did in designing and making such a wonderful vessel and I suppose that's fair enough. My [...]

Your happiness, it irritates some folks.

Is there anything more wonderful than having your friends and family gathered round you singing in unison as a jolly waiter plonks a shop bought cake under your chin? Actually there are probably many things better than having your friends and family gathered round you singing in unison as a jolly waiter plonks a shop bought [...]

The shocking and in no way made up facts about Barbecuing…

It's warm out there eh what. I, myself, am just back from a leisurely stroll on the beach with my one and only true love - a bag of food (pork pie, Scotch egg, three meat sandwich, lashings of ginger ale). Little Miss Manuel came too. Heh Now I know a lot of you are [...]

Ah Lads come one…

I spent a lot of time on Saturday night pondering. I pondered this. I pondered that. I pondered most of the night to be fair. Be under no illusion I was still fully focused on my waiterly duties. Food, wine and appropriate witticisms were delivered on cue. Punters ate not just from their plates but [...]


Hot sausage rolls to be taxed? [faints] I hate the Tories even more now and to be fair I didn't think that was possible. Yis can tax the grannies and rip off the students. Steal kiddy benefit from the middle classes. Stick another fiver on a packet of cigarettes for all I care. But when [...]


Students eh. Could like them if you breastfed 'em and paid their rent and put all your hopes and dreams into them. We had some students in. They were of the know-it-all nerdy bookish types. Not the sort that will ever make money in a real job but will instead spend their lives reading books [...]

The Fifth Duke of Arseholeishire…

"Waiter, oh waiter..." This guy was bugging me. He was getting on like he was the Fifth Duke of Arseholeishire and I was his man-servant, Botherington. Now don't get me wrong I am there to attend to the guests wants and a point obviously. But I am not there to be woo-hoo'd and summonsed [...]

Well Duh!

she got all the trimmings too... Ah Mother's Day. To be fair it was relatively pain-free. The punters, for most part, were really quite lovely. All the children were of the grown up variety, seriously only one actual kid all afternoon. Wonderful stuff. That's not to say that we didn't have people getting on like [...]

Sin Saves

(Another Byrne story I wrote a while back. Experimenting with the genre. Enjoy!) It was two o’clock in the afternoon when I heard the shots ring out. If you’ve ever spent time around firearms, the sound of gunfire is unmistakable. Those who haven’t often mistake it for firecrackers going off or a car backfiring. It’s [...]

Prepare yourselves…

And Monday is a bank holiday too and there is the little matter of St. Patrick's Day on Saturday. Cry havoc and let slip the Irish stew bowls of war! I shall be spending Thursday resting. I won't be back until Tuesday, you'll probably wanna write that down.

How to handle restaurant complaints by Kelly Ann

  Kelly Ann would make an amazing waitress. And to be fair she seems to have the right attitude. How to handle complaints, by The Estate's Kelly Ann (click it) "Fuckin eat it ye bastard" She says what we all want to say but never could. I salute you Kelly Ann! Hat Tip, Toast.

Bill Splitters – My Guide to Splitting the Bill…

Bill Splitters isn't the name of a character in a bawdy Carry On film and nor is it a tool used to split the bills of ducks and other such bird type creatures, though why you'd want to split the bills of cute little duckies I just don't know. Bill Splitters are those annoying, and [...]


(I wrote this for giggles a while back. Not a very serious work, but I hope you enjoy it.) In my twenty years as both a cop and private investigator I’ve been asked to find a lot of things in New Jersey: murderers, rapists, thieves, drugs, stolen cars, putrefying body parts in the Meadowlands, one [...]


I had just been hired to follow a guy. Funny thing was, I had no know idea why I was being hired to follow him. The guy paying me just said, “Keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn’t get into trouble.” “What kind of trouble?” “You’ll know it when you see it.” [...]

The Insane World of the Restaurant Guest…

Working, as I do, in the world of restaurants and food and what have you I do take some things for granted. I have been known to make assumptions from time to time. I know I shouldn't. I mean not everyone knows what Chateaubriand is or what the best way to have your rib eye cooked [...]

The Prince and the Waiter

Well done Brazilian Waiter Chum,   All that inbreeding clearly has had an effect on the young Windsor's ability to walk around tray wielding waiters. His father, whoever he is, must be scundered. Heh   Hat tip, Xboss.

The magazine that never got read…or printed.

I'd forgotten I'd knocked these up some time ago, Waiter and Bus-Boy Monthly - the magazine for slingers, schleppers and carriers and chums thereof. Could have made my millions with this. Heh. issue 0ne issue 2 issue 3 - smaller to fit into apron pocket

Lunch at Coco…

Little Miss Manuel and I ventured forth on WDF'S fifth birthday to Coco on Belfast's Linenhall Street. This is what we had...  bread tapenade and oils... fritto misto rocket, curry mayonnaise and lemon vinaigrette pan fried scallops with cauliflower purée, Clonakilty black pudding and port reduction (pretty as a picture) honey roast pork belly with [...]

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