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Huffing? We invented that…

Kids eh. Seriously kids these days, they are very fucking annoying with their haircuts and mustard coloured trousers and skateboards and energy, oooh I hate their energy. I particularly hate the way they hide their boundless energy under a veneer of disinterest and cynicism. But mostly I hate the ones who have money to go [...]

Restaurant Advert Makes Normal People Kill Themselves…

Watch this...just...just watch this... Fucking wow! I was sure, so utterly convinced, that this was a sketch from a comedy show I kept wondering when the punchline would come. But it's not a spoof. It's a real thing for a real restaurant with real people. Well as real as fake human beings can be. Sickening [...]

My road to Damascus moment

Today was the dullest day I've endured in years. I was off work. I was free and easy. The world, or the bit of it within a ten buck taxi fare, was at my fingertips but yet I did nothing. I spoke to no one save for a few grunted words with The Cousin re [...]

Ho ho ho…

Saturday night and it was all hands to the deck what with a reservation sheet busting at the seams with bookings. One has to take a deep breath when faced with night's like these. But then again these are the nights you love the most - the pressure, the adrenaline, the sweating like a chef [...]

Well-played kids, well-played…

For every action there is a reaction. For example when The Cousin told me he was going out for a walk I fell off my chair. Action, reaction. Obviously what he meant to say was that he was going out for a walk to the shop to get chocolate and not because he was going [...]


The worst thing about taking time off is the revenge schedule you get when you go back to work. I was off work for five days and for that I was stiffed with seven in a row including more splits than a ballet class and more doubles than United. So there was no question about [...]

Things that make me go ‘heh’…

You know that moment when you're sitting in a restaurant and you are starving, like eat a lamb-of-god hungry, and all you can think about is the delicious 16oz steak with triple cooked fries and assorted sundries and what have you that you think you ordered an hour ago but was only actually like 10 [...]

The Curmudgeonly-Straightbacks, People from New Jersey & Revenge…

I'm still not ready to talk about it...the weekend, that weekend. Like I said in dispatches on Saturday, before I slumped on my bed in a heap and cried myself to sleep (again), it will take a psychiatrist with a doll and a soothing voice to get over it, the humping that I got. Of course [...]

Manuel V The Children…

You know what is surprisingly easy? I mean like super easy. Making wee girls cry. I mean it's an embarrassingly easy. Getting candy off them is as tricky as a physics exam in the dark with no knowledge of the subject. But making them cry? That's a cinch! Don't get me wrong I really didn't [...]

Oh My! points at beverage and laughs

Three men arrived in the restaurant one evening last week. They were unremarkable men - average height, average build, average clothes, averages faces, average manners, ghastly shoes (grown men in suits shouldn't be wearing Kickers). You get the point though, they were just, you know, men. They were chit-chatting as I lead them to their [...]

A Little Part of You Dies

(Another Byrne story I wrote for fun. Comments and free editorial suggestions welcome.) Hoboken used to be a tough town filled with stevedores and working stiffs until a wave of New York real estate fetishists crossed the Hudson back in the 90’s and turned it into an oblast of Manhattan. As I walked down Washington [...]

Ah the Spirit of Easter…

The phone was ringing... I answered it, such is the convention. I'd rather have thrown my shoes at it but, you know, work and all that. "Awrigh...Youseuns open on Sunday like?" "Ah yes sir we are indeed" "Easter Sunday like?" "Yes...yes sir we are open this Sunday, Easter Sunday" "What ya doin?" I was so [...]

2012 or 1950 – Take your pick but you can’t have both

Opening hours for licensed premises in Northern Ireland for the Easter period - Thursday the 5th of April to Sunday the 8th of April 2012. On Thursday, April 5th, the hours are 11.30am – 11pm, with half-an-hour drinking up time. Only premises with an Article 44, ‘late licence’, may remain open to serve alcohol until 12am [...]

Oh what will become of our children?

I believe that children are the future. I also believe the future is so utterly borked we may as well do as the lemmings did and throw ourselves off the nearest cliff. Tonight I watched a young chap, no more than ten or something, use a knife and fork to eat a burger. Knife and [...]

Karma, for waiters…

Waiter Karma - as regular karma but usually ends with a waiter laughing up his sleeve as a pompous ass gets what they deserve - ie dispense bad shit to a waiter and you can expect to get it back tenfold. Saturday night and all was well, actually all was very well. My chums and [...]

Jay Rayner Alert Klaxon

Jay Rayner - he's here for the food but will leave with your soul. Big scary tree sized bastard Jay Rayner is in town today! If you're not sure why you should be concerned about this let me remind you what he said the last time he visited Belfast... "Until, that is, they bring the [...]

Panic tipping…

The waiters are maybe, sometime in the future, I dunno, going on strike or something. Please panic tip your waiter this weekend. Heh. Ha, you crazy English people with your crazy government advice and love of queuing. This must be all your dreams come true. But seriously, panic tip your waiter this weekend. You never [...]

“The restaurant employees were locked up in their quarters…to prevent them from rushing the lifeboats”

As we all know by now Saturday sees the opening of the Titanic visitors centre in Belfast. It's been a long time coming. All the talk has been on what a marvellous job the men of Harland & Wolff did in designing and making such a wonderful vessel and I suppose that's fair enough. My [...]

Your happiness, it irritates some folks.

Is there anything more wonderful than having your friends and family gathered round you singing in unison as a jolly waiter plonks a shop bought cake under your chin? Actually there are probably many things better than having your friends and family gathered round you singing in unison as a jolly waiter plonks a shop bought [...]

The shocking and in no way made up facts about Barbecuing…

It's warm out there eh what. I, myself, am just back from a leisurely stroll on the beach with my one and only true love - a bag of food (pork pie, Scotch egg, three meat sandwich, lashings of ginger ale). Little Miss Manuel came too. Heh Now I know a lot of you are [...]

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