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It’s Monday morning and I’m in the bathroom performing my morning ablutions. After taking a hot shower with lots of soap, shampoo and conditioner, I towel off and go to the sink to shave. Not my favorite thing. Today, however, I’m trying something different. After lathering up my face, I open my medicine cabinet and [...]

Crazy Sexy

I need to refill my Lipitor prescription so I walk into the local Rite Aid with Ann in tow. “I’ll check my blood pressure while you’re waiting,” Ann says. Ann’s blood pressure is perfect, but she has a strange fetish. She likes the crushing feeling of a blood pressure cuff on her arm. She also [...]

You Must Be This Young to Ride This Ride

It’s Tuesday night and I’m walking through the Meadowland’s State Fair with my girlfriend, Ann. The weather is cool and breezy and attendance is sparse. That’s good because I won’t have to wait to get on a ride. And man, I love amusement park rides. “So what ride do you want to go on first?” [...]

Thanks and good night…

Right, where was I? Oh yeah, I remember. As I sit down to write this post, well any WDF post, I have all the little bits n bobs to hand that I need - tea, one mug of black with two teabags left in, Moleskine of notes (I could have just said notepad but what's [...]

“Rotten Job – because people are so stupid…”

A short and wonderful snippet from an interview with Peter Cook by Michael Parkinson where he talks about his short spell as a waiter. He sums up the problem with the job quite's all your fault you know.  Watch it all or skip it to about a minute in for his take on waiting [...]

Comeuppance – not on the menu but served every night…

Is there anything more enjoyable than watching certain people getting their comeuppance? Having clicked her fingers, cast more dirty looks than a 16-year-old girl being told off by her mum for wearing too much makeup and generally been as rude to the staff as an 18th century land owner with a penchant for striking those [...]

Headline News

This is last minute, but I’ll be on Headline News at 5:40 today. I’m talking about automatic gratuities. Some restaurant called the cops on some people who wouldn’t pay! Should be fun.


I love Belfast. I love the people of Belfast. But bugger me with a big yellow crane our accent is tarrible so it is... "I fawncy a wee chicken so a do..", says the lovely woman to her lovely friend and work colleague. They were clearly office workers, probably civil servants, probably advisers of some [...]

BOOM BOOM BOOM went the old man spit…

I had to walk to the shop on Monday the rain. But I won't go on about it like some fucking marathon running endorphin junkie. I went to the shop, in the rain, I came home, I ate pies. I'm no hero, I'm just an ordinary man. I'm a chuffing hero at work though. I [...]


One thing that really, and I mean really-really, annoys me is having to pick up customers used toothpicks. IT'S BEEN IN YOUR MOUTH GOD DAMN IT AND YOU'VE LEFT IT STREWN ON THE TABLE BETWEEN THE GLASSES AND USED NAPKINS FOR ME WITH MY PRECIOUS FINGERS TO PICK UP. YOU DIRTY DIRTY BASTARD. Like I [...]

This Must Be The Place…

This is beautiful...(watch it on full screen) This short was produced and directed by Ben Wu and David Usui of Lost & Found films and it is beautiful insight into the lives of working waiters and how they view their restaurant as home. It appears that I live in an abusive care facility by comparison, [...]

Strong Legs…

I was reminded of this short video the other day thanks to a tweet by the living legend that is Fred Sirieix when he said, "The un-smart/sleepy waiter needs to have strong legs to walk back to those tables/places where he forgot to do/bring something" a waitress who makes a terrible mistake. Dir.Writer - W. [...]

The people next door need to stay next door…

I have new neighbours. Ugh. This fills me full of fear. I fear for my sleeping routine but mainly I fear for my, "Quiet guy, kept himself to himself" lone nutter way of life. What if they want to talk to me and be my friend? Oh god, the very thought has me reaching for [...]

Lazy day off post…

I really haven't got the chutzpah to write anything tonight having spent two hours shouting at the television. I am spent. Instead let me offer you other peoples work... On the night The San Pellegrino Top Fifty Restaurants were announced (Noma is number one again. Did I ever mention that I've eaten there? Heh) this [...]

Anderson Cooper

Hello again. Just wanted to let you know I’ll be on Anderson Cooper’s daytime talk show tomorrow afternoon. (May 1) Please check your local listings for showtimes. Guess what? Anderson was a waiter once too! I knew I liked the guy.

She said yes…

Another weekend done. Another weekend closer to the big waiter station in the sky. Using the popular vernacular of the day it was all a bit meh. Saturday, whilst fully booked, lacked the push and pressure I enjoy/need. In order to get my pressure fix I stayed in bed until the very last-minute on Sunday [...]


If you’ve come to this website after watching 20/20, welcome! Most of my waiter stories can be found in the archives dating from 2004-2009. After that, you’ll find some fiction I wrote and some observations I’ve made about life. I hope you enjoy all my stories! And yes, you can buy Waiter Rant or my [...]


Hey everybody. I’ll be on ABC’s 20/20 this Friday night at 10PM. Set your DVRs!

Huffing? We invented that…

Kids eh. Seriously kids these days, they are very fucking annoying with their haircuts and mustard coloured trousers and skateboards and energy, oooh I hate their energy. I particularly hate the way they hide their boundless energy under a veneer of disinterest and cynicism. But mostly I hate the ones who have money to go [...]

Restaurant Advert Makes Normal People Kill Themselves…

Watch this...just...just watch this... Fucking wow! I was sure, so utterly convinced, that this was a sketch from a comedy show I kept wondering when the punchline would come. But it's not a spoof. It's a real thing for a real restaurant with real people. Well as real as fake human beings can be. Sickening [...]

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