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If you're reading this, I am trapped in a corn maze. Please send help.

For 36 years, I have avoided corn mazes. I'm no good with compasses. My sense of direction is misguided. And, most disastrously, since birth, I've suffered from an inexplicable fear of corn. So you can imagine how horrible I feel to write this during the tail end of my eight hours in a corn maze. Before you continue reading, please send someone to find me. Alert literally authority — cop, your building's fire marshall, the leader of the PTA — and tell them to come get me.
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