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Soylent bars recalled amid gastrointestinal mayhem

Soylent, makers of ironic yet humorless meal-replacement slime and snack bars, are asking its consumption nodes to "discard any remaining bars in their possession" after a number of them reported "gastrointestinal issues" after eating Soylent Bars. We take these complaints extremely seriously as we have no greater priority than the quality and safety of our products. After hearing from our customers, we immediately began investigating the cause of the issue and whether it was linked to a problem with the Bars.
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